Finally ready to share my story.

[PumpkinZulu]

It has taken me a while to feel ready to share my story, but I feel comfortable enough here at BB, everyone is so nice here. This is the first time I've put all of this into words, so excuse the length and disjointedness of it. Last night I saw a story on 60 minutes about miscarriage that just brought it all home for me, and with that as well as the fact that my first due date would have been soon (30th nov) I just felt it was time.
Just a warning for some, it may be a bit distressing.

I guess it all started in February. In the middle of last year I had gotten back from working in the UK an US. My father had died from complications of a car crash, as had my uncle. When I got back home, DF (then DP) and I decided that family is what we want most of all, it was and is what is important to us, and that we were going to start trying. I went off the pill that month, and by the end of March, I was pregnant. It was so amazing, we thought it would take so much longer than that, but we were overjoyed.An incredible month passed.

It all happened very rapidly. On the morning of 21st of April, I had a bit of bright pink/red blood when I wiped, and immediately called my doctor. She told me to keep an eye on it if it got any worse or was accompanied by any pain, and to come in if I was worried, but some bleeding in early pregnancy is quite normal. Later that evening the bleeding had gone completely, and DF and I went to bed. Looking back I think I knew something was wrong then; I felt different, my morning sickness didn't feel that bad that night, and my breasts were not as sore.

DF left for uni the next day. I stayed home as I wasn't feeling well. I was sitting in bed when I felt a terrible pain in my abdomen. It felt kind of like a ripping, pulling sensation. As soon as I got out of bed, I saw the sheets were covered in blood. I called DF in hysterics, begging him to come home. I went and sat on the toilet (neither of us had any idea what else to do) and in that time I passed a few large clots, about the size of a golf ball, and the cramps where almost unbearable. DF stayed on the phone to me the entire way home, and by the time he walked through the door, I had vomitted all over the floor. As soon as he was home we went to the hospital. I was soaking through a pad every 20-30 minutes, and by the time we got to the hospital I was barely conscious. All I can remember is DF half dragging me to the ER, and the look and everyone's faces. We must have looked pretty bad; I remember catching my reflection in the glass and all I could think was how young I looked. A nurse set us up and took blood for a BHCG, but I think it was pretty obvious there was nothing that could be done. They couldn't get any urine as there was too much blood happening down there. I have to say though, DF was amazing. He held me and stroked my hair the entire time, just comforted me. The nurses at my hospital were incredible too. Because I was bleeding so heavily, the doctors recommended a D&C. To be honest, I didn't really want one, and said so, that I was only 8 weeks and it should pass naturally. But the doctors insisted that, because of the blood loss, it would be safer to do the D&C. I'll never forget that awful, empty feeling I had when I woke up; our baby was gone. I stayed at the hospital for another couple of hours for monitoring, and was eventually sent home with some medication for the bleeding and cramping. I was 8wks, 3d.

I had a very hard time coping emotionally after that. I felt like it was my fault. Seeing another woman pregnant killed me. On top of that, I was so afraid of my body, of what it could do. Talking to my mother, who has also had a miscarriage, my experience was more extreme than hers. I think the worst part was not knowing why it happened.

Two months later it happened again. I was back on the pill when I felt the need to test. BFP. Again, DF and I were over the moon, but this time a lot more cautious and scared. Four days later, I started bleeding, and that progressed on to be much like a regular period. It was devastating, to happen again. I had some tests done after that and found out I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, along with a strain of Strep, both which I had contracted from the D&C. I was put on a course of antibiotics, but it was very hard to get rid of and aggressive, and I was advised that there may be some minor scarring. I'm just so scared I'll never have a child, and I'm only 19.

And now here I am again. DF and I have decided that we are going to start TTC full time (lol) this month. I went off the pill in September, and am now 7 days late for AF. I'm going in for a BT today, fingers crossed We're both praying for a healthy, happy, and sticky bubby that we can call our own

Thankyou for enduring my extremely long story It feels so amazing to get all of that off of my chest.

[diannescruffy]

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious angels. Wishing you all the best in your TTC journey.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

[Cassius2]

Thank you for sharing your story xx. i am so sorry to hear of your losses and it must of been heartbreaking to hear about the complications from the D&C all that time later.

that you receive some precious news today xx

[PumpkinZulu]

Thankyou both very much. It feels so nice to share this for the first time with people so supportive

[bjrose]

Good luck today
So sorry for your losses xx

[Winter]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your angels and also for your father & uncle. That must be very hard for you Pumpkin and I am sending a big your way.

Good luck with BT today.

[didispunk]

I am so sorry for your loss. And thinking of you today!!

[OceanPrincess]

Oh I am sorry for your losses

Thank you for sharing your story with us, good luck for today! I hope you can find some healing soon.

[CrazyLady]

Best of luck on your TTC journey and hoping for a sticky bub!

Hope you feel better getting that off your chest too

[amy_o]

Good luck today!!
You have been very brave going through so much. Stay strong.

[PumpkinZulu]

Just thought I'd let everyone know that the lab at my doctors was closed today there are forces conspiring against me lol. Luckily DF will bring me HPT's and salt and vinegar chips (he knows that if I get a BFN, i hoe into them haha).
Thankyou everyone for all your support, it makes me feel so much lighter
xx

[bjrose]

Well good luck with the HPT then
for your BFP

[Liviam]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your two angels. Fingers crossed today brings you the wonderful news of your forever bubby.

[kanda]

you are one strong woman and your partner sounds amazing.
I wish you all the best for the future. I just want to give you a big hug.
xoxoxo

[Becs_bubs]

So sorry for your losses

Hope it all happens for you really soon!!! x

[PumpkinZulu]

well tested this afternoon...BFN. Will try again in the morning with FMU, but maybe this month is not my month. Thankyou everyone Xx

[CelticMoon]

Good luck ttc. I nearly died after a D&C and had to have multiple surgeries, narrowly missed a hysterectomy and death, it was very hard to deal with, it isn't day by day, it is moment by moment. There will come a time when the good moments start to out weigh the bad ones and you know you're finally over the hump to feeling better within yourself.

At 4-5 weeks my doctor said the most common reason for m/c is not implanting properly, and after that it can be because of many factors, such as detaching from the uterus, the baby just wasn't forming properly, there may have been in infection you weren't aware of that passed to bubs, etc, and 99.9% of reasons, are not the mothers fault .

Good luck TTC, I put a piece of mistletoe & rosequartz under the bed to assist pregnancy, and have a piece of aquamarine as it's meant to help prevent m/c, and moonstone which is meant to help with problematic girlbits & labor... I'll let you know if they work

[Butterfly Child]

Wishing you all the best inn your journey ttc hunny
my thoughts and prayers r with u xx