the whole world seems to be pregnant...

[tillygrace]

We lost our little Matilda 7 weeks ago. We headed off for the 20 week scan without a care in the world, very excited to be able to buy either pink or blue that afternoon. The ultrasound lasted not more then 2 minutes. Tilly was measuring 16 weeks 4 days and her heart was not beating. An "acute cord event" is what they term the reason for her death. It was such a senseless end to a gorgeous little girl's life.
Most of our family and friends have been very supportive and understanding of our grief. I'm very disappointed in my best friend though. She is also pregnant and is due 2 weeks before I was due to have Matilda. Perhaps she's experiencing survivor guilt - guilt over the fact she still has her baby growing inside her and mine has gone. Perhaps I am a constant reminder that horrible things do happen. Perhaps I am sick of making excuses for her not ringing or emailing to see how I'm coping?
Aside from her, everyone has been pretty good. I have a dilemma though. Their are 5 women in my mothers group who are pregnant, with a baby from the group due each month until the end of the year. These women are fantastic and are very mindful of our loss. I in no way begrudge them their babies - I'm actually looking forward to meeting them to see what friends Tillly would've played with. They will be a constant reminder of the milestones Tilly would've reached. Sometimes it is so hard to see them and the very visual reminder of their blooming bellies that they have their babies and I don't have mine.
Any suggestions on how best to cope will be much appreciated. How do you handle the outside world when it seems everyone man and his dog is pregnant? How do you react to them and how do you react to their reaction to your loss?
Thanks
Tilly's mum

[sunflowa_girlie]

I don't have any advice apart from making sure you let yourself grieve - it's perfectly natural to be jealous of other women who were due around the same time, don't force yourself to do what you think others think you should do, KWIM?

As for your friend, I would say that you're right, she probably has no idea what to do or say. Perhaps you could send her an email, saying that you understand that she doesn't know what to do at the moment, but you would be very grateful if she would come over for a cuppa one day and just listen?

I'm so sorry for your loss hun

[Inanna]

Welcome to BB my love - I am so sorry it is under such sad circumstances. You gave your daughter a beautiful name...

Sometimes people find it very very difficult to respond how we need them to. I don't know that she is being cold - perhaps she is feeling very vulnerable and afraid too. I don't know honey - I am only sorry that you feel so hurt...

Take time to grieve your little girl my love & know that the days WILL get easier - in time.

Fly safely little Matilda -

[diannescruffy]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Matilda. I hope you are able to hold the memories of your little girl very close to your heart. I think your friend probably feels very awkward at the moment and feels she won't know what to say to you or how you may react. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

[LimeSlice]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl.
I have no wisdom for you, just hugs and healing energy.
I hope you and your best friend can come together again, I'm sure she is feeling just horrible for you and not sure how to communicate with you at the moment...be kind to one another.

Welcome to BB I'm sure you will find some comfort here

[NaeNae]

I am sooo very sorry you have found your way here under such horrible circumstances.

What you are going through is a horrible thing, sadly sometimes people just do not know what to say or how to act. I am sure your best friend isn't meaning to be stand offish at all, it must be very heartbreaking for her to watch you go through so much pain while her pregnancy is still traveling well. It will be hard to see it at this time, but she may even feel that seeing her will increase your sadness.

There are no suggestions on how to cope, grief is what it is. What I can honestly say is you will have good and bad days. You will want to avoid babies one minute and be fine with them the next. Just remember that you are not expected to just pick up and get over it and get on with life. You take as much time as you need, get help if you feel you want to talk to someone.

I promise you that the hard days get fewer and further between. There will be times when out of the blue you will just break down, but these too pass and get further between.

Sending you all my love and understanding, you will find this place wonderful to off load anything at any time.

Your angel Matilda Grace will forever be watching over you and remembered by many.

Nae x x x

[trying4baby88]

I have no advice for you but i am so sorry for your loss

[Tanya]

I am so sorry for you loss (((hugs)))

I am also finding it very difficult at the moment looking at pregnant woman. As My little one's EDD approaches I am finding it especially hard to to cope. I have no advise but I know that talking about it will help a little.

xx
Tanya

[bookworm12]

I don't have any specific advice on how to react to other people's pregnancies, but I can relate to the awkward feelings. It's only been about 3 weeks since my m/c and I'm still looking for emotional balance. I have a sweet niece that's two months old now. Our little one would have been about 7 months younger than her. I still love her to pieces, and try to focus on that love, rather than our loss.

I've found that I can focus on being happy for the people close to me much better than when I see strangers that remind me of our loss. I work in a hospital, and I was moved to tears last week seeing a pregnant couple heading to a childbirth class carrying their two pillows. Or sometimes it's hard to see other people's little ones in the elevators or halls, especially little blonde children. Any of our children will probably be blonde when they're little, as the tendency runs on both our sides of the family.

Take your time to grieve, healing doesn't come overnight. I try to take life one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Lean on your family and friends that offer good support, and all the good people here. Take care, and remember how many people care about you.

[MummyNaomi]

Awww Tilly's Mum, I'm so sorry for your loss of Matilda, I cant imagine how difficult it must be and I hope you find the support you need from your BF.....

My BF and I were due 5 weeks apart, and when she lost her bub I was devastated for her and was unsure what was the right thing to say and do. I felt like I didn't want to talk about my pregnancy etc as I didn't want to upset her and remind her off her loss, but I didn't want to ignore her pain either. Then one day over coffee I asked her how I could help and told her that if she wanted to talk / didn't want to talk, just to let me know, but I found it REALLY hard to bring up the subject as was so worried about causing her further hurt and pain. I bet your friend is struggling with knowing what is the right thing to do, and by leaving you alone she may mistakenly feel she is not causing you further grief.

Also, I found that being pregnant myself I was much more upset about her loss than I might have been otherwise as it really hit close to home, and being emotional any way it was a tough one.

I bet your friend loves and wants to support you, but just doesn't know how. If you want too, maybe grab the bull by the horns and let her know what you need - you might both find relief and build your friendship stronger...........

Also, on a different tangent re 'the whole world seems pregnant', when we were going through IVF I felt exactly the same way, and struggled with every pregnancy/birth announcement and wished it was me. There is no magic solution unfortunately, some days its easier, some days its tough (I wanted to punch every person who told me they got pregnant the first time they tried LOL). But I guess with any tragedy that we endure, we get tougher, and learn to cope, but it takes time and its hard to envisionage that when the pain is raw and fresh. The best advice is to seek support from those you know can give it, as you certainly find people who are better at supporting you in situations like these and you need to seek these people out for your own wellbeing which it sounds like you have

Hope that helps in some small way

[lanabear81]

Hi Tillys mum,

*hugs* i am so very sorry you lost your Tilly too. I guess this week will be 8 since you lost your bub - so i hope you are feeling the best you can. This week was 4 weeks (1 month) since we lost our Tilly - and its been alot harder than i anticipated... i guess every milestone will be..

Matilda was our first baby and yes it seems like the whole world is pregnant now... i dont mind - i just wish i was too.. i have come back to work - i couldnt sit in the house any longer.. there were too many things there that reminded me of why i felt so follow..

it has been an interesting experience.. there are people here at work that used to talk to me that now dont talk to me - i suspect they dont know what to say.. there are others that have been really good and i appreciate them all the more.. there is also one lady who seems to literally run in the other direction when she sees me - her daughter is due the same day as i was and its like she thinks shes going to catch some disease when shes near me..

when people say they are sorry.. i say thanks.. i mean what do you say..? really? then theres the how are you? physically i'm fine... so i just say fine.. i have a few close friends that i can just tell that i feel poxxy to and they listen.. i know how hard it must be for them to listen when i do..

i woke up this morning thinking of you and your Tilly after i read your message last night - im sure our girls are playing together where ever it is sleeping babies go - if you ever need someone to vent to please feel free to..

Lana x

[BabyButterfly]

hi

Sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl Matilda. Everything you are feeling is so raw at the moment, but believe me it does get easier, time will heal a little. She will always be in your heart.
I lost my daughter Milana Matilda Rose in Feb this year, (here is her story: Milana Matilda Rose.), I know how you feel.
The ladies on this board are all here for you.
Take care,

[danniellabella]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice to give but I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you.

[Elocin]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss

[tillygrace]

Hi Lana

I loved your message. I like to think Tilly has found lots of friends where she is. I hope she's found your Tilly and their getting into mischief and having a grand old time. Its 8 weeks today since we lost her and still feels like yesterday. I should be 28 weeks. I should have 10 weeks to go ( I was booked in for a caesar at 38 weeks - Nov 18). Part of me can't wait until the 19th Nov- that's when I should've stopped being pregnant. I'm dreaded the 18th. I'm racking my brains Really I just want to survive it.

You're brave to go back to work. Its hard facing people again but then again its worse sitting at home and dwelling on your grief. At times I envy my husband because he gets to go to work and think about other things. I'm extremely grateful for our son, he is nearly 2 and absolutley delightful and I love being home with him but some days can be long and mind numbingly boring so you have time to think about our loss. I'm a teacher so I'm going to do relief teaching starting next term. I'm looking forward to having something else to think about.
What I hate is that I didn't have to think about going back to work next year because Tilly was coming along. Now I don't have an excuse not to work. Its not just the loss its the total mind shift you have to adjust to. You have all these plans and now you have to change them because they don't apply anymore. I was supposed to have at least another 12 months off before I went back part time. I was supposed to be able to plan how to decorate her room - now we're moving to a bigger house with 2 spare rooms instead of one. There were so many things we planned with her in mind that just won't matter now.
We are going to try again soon. I was a total headcase when I was pregnant with Flynn because I'd had a miscarriage at 8 weeks before him and I was scared the same would happen. Next time around I'm going to be even worse. At the same time, I am looking forward to the prospect of another baby. It took awhile to conceive Tilly so I need to be prepared to be patient ( not one of my strong suites).

I think sometimes of all the girly things I won't get to do with Tilly. I won't get to buy pretty hair clips and ribbons, I won't get to buy her pretty clothes, I won't get to teach her all the words to the Sound of Music, I won't get to go shopping with her to buy her formal/deb/wedding dress, I won't get to tell her all about boys and how to spot the dud ones. I had so many things I wanted to tell her...
Do you think about those kind of things too?

Hope you're doing OK today

Originally Posted by lanabear81

Hi Tillys mum,

*hugs* i am so very sorry you lost your Tilly too. I guess this week will be 8 since you lost your bub - so i hope you are feeling the best you can. This week was 4 weeks (1 month) since we lost our Tilly - and its been alot harder than i anticipated... i guess every milestone will be..

Matilda was our first baby and yes it seems like the whole world is pregnant now... i dont mind - i just wish i was too.. i have come back to work - i couldnt sit in the house any longer.. there were too many things there that reminded me of why i felt so follow..

it has been an interesting experience.. there are people here at work that used to talk to me that now dont talk to me - i suspect they dont know what to say.. there are others that have been really good and i appreciate them all the more.. there is also one lady who seems to literally run in the other direction when she sees me - her daughter is due the same day as i was and its like she thinks shes going to catch some disease when shes near me..

when people say they are sorry.. i say thanks.. i mean what do you say..? really? then theres the how are you? physically i'm fine... so i just say fine.. i have a few close friends that i can just tell that i feel poxxy to and they listen.. i know how hard it must be for them to listen when i do..

i woke up this morning thinking of you and your Tilly after i read your message last night - im sure our girls are playing together where ever it is sleeping babies go - if you ever need someone to vent to please feel free to..

Lana x

[lanabear81]

Hi Tillys mum

i hope you and your hubby got through yesterday ok.. it was a tough weekend for us.. our first fathers day with no one to jump on the bed and scribble on the card! i organised for us to go away for the weekend - to get away from the non-stop fathers day reminders.. it was nice even though it rained the whole time we were away!

everything you say rings so close to home...i know what you mean about counting the weeks it should be.. but i have decided that i am no longer going to do that.. i also now think of the day matilda was born as her birthday and try not to think about the due date.. i have a blood condition so our bubby was more than likely going to come earlier that her due date..

i was looking forward to having a year off and starting my own business with the intention of working from home and looking after the kids in the future.. we were in the midst of having the laundry renovated so we had somewhere to bath matilda.. we have a room full of baby things that are still in their packaging.. most of all we and the entire family were looking forward to having a little rug rat for christmas.. all plans that have disappeared into the thin air...

i dont know if your the crafty type - im not very good at that stuff, but while i was at home i made a memory box for matilda.. i picked out some nice pink butterfly paper at the craft shop and covered the box in it.. then my partner and i picked out a few special things we had bought for her over the pregnancy and put them in the box.. which now sits in our wardrobe.. and is there when ever we need to remember or vent.. i know you didnt get the chance to buy anything girly for your tilly but maybe if you make a memory box and go out and buy your tilly a nice dress or some special things it will make you feel less sad about never getting the chance to buy her anything like that.? just a thought..

i too want to get pregnant again - and soon.. not to replace matilda but because i promised her i wouldnt let her death be in vain.. i am going to learn as much as i can about what went wrong and try to prevent it happening again.. in saying that - i am terrified of the same thing happening again but we want a family so much that i am willing to try again.. on the up side, aunt flo has returned this week which means we can think about TTC again..

i hope you are feeling a little bit better today

lana

[lanabear81]

Hi TillyGrace,
I?m so glad to hear from you ? I noticed you hadn?t posted in a while and was worried that you were having a rough time of late. I cant work out the private message thing so I couldn?t work out how to check on you so glad to see your back! I find it good to come on here and just vent in sometimes.
Yes Carly?s site is just beautiful.. I cant think of words that express how having a memorial like that made me feel.. Halo.. it?s a bit of a sooky song but I heard it a few weeks ago and realised that?s what it felt like? I feel like shes missing but I always feel like im being watched? its quiet strange as im not spiritual in any way yet for some reason I cant shake this feeling.. I am going to the beyonce concert on Thursday and I was really looking forward to it.. I remember buying the tickets before I had told anyone I was pregnant.. and I was really excited about taking matilda to it.. alas I know she?ll still be there in spirit..
I?ve been doing ok.. fathers day for us was difficult ? we went away into the country for a few days.. it was nice just to be there on our own.. I must say that being at work is a saving grace because I spend my days not thinking about life on the outside? but Wednesday evenings are difficult.. my matilda was born on Wednesday night.. and 9.29pm.. I dont think there will ever be a Wednesday night that wont make me sad.. well that?s what it feels like.
I also feel like my girl is missing.. and I don?t like it one bit.. I don?t feel like I have had a miscarriage.. I don?t know why.. I feel like my baby is dead? I cant explain it but in my head there is a big distinction between those two statements..
I had a post natal appointment with a specialist yesterday.. he confirmed the results of the autopsy were what we thought they would be? that makes me mad ? I have a blood condition and my medication is the reason my baby died.. what annoys me more is that I was given the wrong advice about the medication? he did also give us a plan of attack for our next attempt.. so fingers crossed for next time..
Anyway I hope your have a better day today.. you and your Tilly are often in my thoughts..
LBx

[tillygrace]

Hi Lana
I can't work out the private thingy either so I hope you get to read this.
I can't imagine how angry you must be at the medico's who gave you the medication. I hope you gave them a piece of your mind. I feel so so sad for you. Its good that you have a plan for next time, not that that helps you grieve for Matilda.
I hope you enjoyed the Beyonce concert. I went out and bought the CD yesterday and think of our girls when I play Halo. I had a m/c at 8 weeks in Dec 06 but took some solace in the fact that the baby got to go to the U2 concert. Unfortunately I had a curette the day I had tickets to Kylie, so I missed that one and won't go to other Kylie concert b/c of that memory.
Have had a pretty crappy week. I went to my first SANDS support group meeting the other night. That was really helpful. There were girls there that had recent losses like us and older ladies who lost babies years ago. It was good to listen to their stories. i'm right in the thick of the grief right now but it was good to hear how life gets better in time and how these ladies went on to have more children. I'm looking forward to reaching that place.
It is my turn to host mothers group tomorrow but I cancelled late this afternoon. I'm finding it really hard to be around newborns and big preggie bellies at the moment and there's 2 new babies and 2 big bellies in the group. The girls are lovely and have been supportive but its just so hard to be around them. I'm going to go to my mum's instead so she can look after me and spoil me.

How is your husband coping? Mine doesn't talk about it, which is a common male trait but God its frustrating. He says he doesn't need to talk about it, which is fine but it would be nice if he could accomodate my need to talk about it
every now and then. Men!
Thank God for these forums.
Its Wednesday today. I hope they are getting easier for you.
Take care
Jen

Originally Posted by lanabear81

Hi TillyGrace,
I?m so glad to hear from you ? I noticed you hadn?t posted in a while and was worried that you were having a rough time of late. I cant work out the private message thing so I couldn?t work out how to check on you so glad to see your back! I find it good to come on here and just vent in sometimes.
Yes Carly?s site is just beautiful.. I cant think of words that express how having a memorial like that made me feel.. Halo.. it?s a bit of a sooky song but I heard it a few weeks ago and realised that?s what it felt like? I feel like shes missing but I always feel like im being watched? its quiet strange as im not spiritual in any way yet for some reason I cant shake this feeling.. I am going to the beyonce concert on Thursday and I was really looking forward to it.. I remember buying the tickets before I had told anyone I was pregnant.. and I was really excited about taking matilda to it.. alas I know she?ll still be there in spirit..
I?ve been doing ok.. fathers day for us was difficult ? we went away into the country for a few days.. it was nice just to be there on our own.. I must say that being at work is a saving grace because I spend my days not thinking about life on the outside? but Wednesday evenings are difficult.. my matilda was born on Wednesday night.. and 9.29pm.. I dont think there will ever be a Wednesday night that wont make me sad.. well that?s what it feels like.
I also feel like my girl is missing.. and I don?t like it one bit.. I don?t feel like I have had a miscarriage.. I don?t know why.. I feel like my baby is dead? I cant explain it but in my head there is a big distinction between those two statements..
I had a post natal appointment with a specialist yesterday.. he confirmed the results of the autopsy were what we thought they would be? that makes me mad ? I have a blood condition and my medication is the reason my baby died.. what annoys me more is that I was given the wrong advice about the medication? he did also give us a plan of attack for our next attempt.. so fingers crossed for next time..
Anyway I hope your have a better day today.. you and your Tilly are often in my thoughts..
LBx