Relationship not as it used to be...

[Heart_Healings]

i lost my little girl at 5 weeks just over 2 months ago, and since i have not found sex exciting or really wanted to be intimate that way. I actually kinda grosses me out.

i also find my relationship with my fiancee is not going well. we argue all the time about silly things. he really isn't even that "switched on" anymore. when i was pregnant, he'd think about me and think about making the home pleasant. Now it feels like he only thinks about himself.

For example: today i got up and went downstairs to make breakfast and do the washing up and he said he was going to sleep in, which was fine... so i notice despite me working yesterday and him being at home all day, the kitchen is a mess, but i just try to clean up. Half way through me doing the dishes he appears and tells me he's tired and needs to go to the toilet (ok?), so he disappears. I finish the dishes (about 10 mins later) and he still hasn't come back, so i call upstairs, "where are you , sweetie?" and i hear "in bed". so it annoyed me he didn't say anything about going back to bed, but whatever. But then he stomps downstairs and complains i'm yelling at him and being unkind, and he's tired. So i say i was worried about him and he starts getting angry and saying i don't listen to him, and then after some arguing, he says, "i don't even know what i am to you anymore. we don't talk. maybe i'm just man-candy - oh no, i'm not that either, because you don't even want to be with me sexually" and other things... he walks out on me and well- things still aren't quite right now.

We had talked about my feelings and not being comfortable about sex, but he now seems to bring it up like we've never mentioned it before and i'm using him for some twisted purpose. We're supposed to get married next year and every time we argue since the MC, he says, "i don't know- maybe you just don't want to have a relationship with me [...] do you even love me?" - he said he was fine about the MC, that he felt sad and now feels happy again. He says it's all MY anger and MY issues, and i feel it's not.

I have a counselor and she suggested he and i try some connection-exercises or meditations instead of sex, but even though every night i suggest that, he decides against it or avoids it somehow.

I don't know what to do. I don't think it's just me, but we can't seem to talk without him accusing me of wanting to start an argument.

Has this happened to anyone else? What should i do?

[murraycod]

I'm so sorry for your loss hun, sounds like youre going througha really rough time.
have you tried going out on a date with him???
I know it sounds silly, but I think you both need to reconnect and remember why you fell in love with each other again.
What you have both been through is very traumatic to say the least, and sounds like you are both right smack in the middle of the greiving process X
I dunno, men are different, think diff, act diff. Don't think he is coping very well with the loss of his newborn either.
I wish you both the best and pray that you can get through this rough time together, have a beutifull marriage and little family again.
God Bless XX

[NaeNae]

SOrry for your loss hun, I know how difficult things can be.

Sweets its only been 2 months since your little girl passed. Both of you are going through a whole range of different emotions and Men do feel things very differently than us women.

I know you have said you have talked about your feelings but (going by your post only) there is no mention that you have talked to him about how he feels. He sounds very lost to me and it seems like he doesn't know how to deal with what he is going through. Clearly he is in need of reassurance from you that he still means the world to you. Unfortunately for most men their needs are more physical.

I am not suggesting that you rush into bed with him but perhaps spending some time with him sitting on the couch stroking his hair or giving his feet a rub - anything that you can physically do to show him that you love him. Tell him often too. Maybe gently probe him into discussing his feelings and make it all about him. If he gets angry you may find that its because he feels embarrassed or confused. Suggest gently that if he doesn't want to talk to you then to maybe spend a night away from home with a good/ trusted mate that he can talk to and have a couple of pints with.


DH and I went through some very difficult patches after we lost our little girl, I felt physically repulsive and hated myself. DH felt very very lost and unloved and felt like I was the only person who was getting support. He rarely wanted to talk about things BUT was very attentive when I needed someone.

We had a massive blow up just on NYE, he just couldn't cope anymore always being the one helping and offering support but was never getting anything back from me. Because I never saw him breaking down, because he never talked about how he felt I thought he was doing ok. We spent about a week going through everything he needed to and we have never been stronger as a couple.

Again its very difficult to go through the loss of a baby, there is no right or wrong way of dealing with the HUGE range of emotions that follow for many months and years. BUT I assure you that there is hope providing that you both work together. You both need to accept that you will heal at different rates, you both will go through the grieving process at different rates. Once you have that level of acceptance it really does help if you or he are having a bad day.

Remember also that the focus of a loss really does shift more to the mum's (or so I have found with our loss) and the dads can be forgotten about too. But they need just as many cuddles and opportunities to release as we do.

I hope this helps somewhat, I just know from my personal experience that DH needed reassurance as much as I did that I still loved him and that I didn't blame him. We didn't DTD for quite a number of months but we did spend a lot of time just hugging and touching (foot rubs etc) because he needed that physical reassurance just as I needed the emotional reassurance.

Take good care of yourself and your man.

Luv Nae x

[Possums]

I am sorry for your loss and the hard time you are having .

DH and I have been through many rough patches since embarking on our TTC journey, IVF, miscarriages etc... it's been really hard on us. ONly last night we had a big talk about how we can improve things between us and reconnect more...even if its just being extra nice and polite for a while, making an extra effort to be caring, remember why we fell in love, making time to do things together etc. Maybe those things would help you too? And men and women are so different in the way we communicate!
Our sex life hasnt been great either, but that isn't even a primary focus just yet, although we do want to improve that also.I hope things improve for you

[entreat]

Men don't always appreciate the guilt that women carry from a MC. It's not our fault, but we still feel responsible. I know that I felt less-than a woman after my two. DH really didn't understand that I felt like I had let us down on so many levels, even though rationally I tell myself it was nothing I did.

Because of this shame & guilt I was feeling, I also shut myself off physically & emotionally from DH. He's so patient, but I could tell he was getting bugged by it. I was so quick to snap, and really struggled to say anything nice at all. Then I realised that if I want him to be attentive to me, I have to be attentive to him. Sexually speaking, we didn't have to have actual sex for stuff to get sorted out, IYKWIM. I also made sure when he was telling me about his day that my mind wouldn't wander. I had to give him the respect & attention I wanted.

And something that didn't really occur to me until a few weeks ago was that even though he never seemed to show it, I know that DH was grieving too. But blokes think about things differently, and he recovered from that really quickly & looked ahead. He never 'got' why I was sad for so long because he'd already moved on.

We don't always need to 'get' each other, but we should try (both sides) to respect & love each other, and make the effort that goes with that.

[Smallfryplus]

heart_healings, my heart breaks for you. So much pain comes about as a result of a miscarriage and, as has been stated, it has a very different impact on the men in our lives. I agree that it is very important to sit down with your fiance and try to talk to him about how he is feeling about the loss. He may feel guilty, if you had sex after falling pregnant he might blame himself for the loss for example. (My DH is reluctant to have sex now that I'm pg because he's worried about hurting the baby)

It may be that your fiance needs to attend counselling with you in order to open up. Your counsellor will be able to help you both a lot more if you are both there seeking help to change and understand what is happening. WIth marriage on the cards, this is perhaps even more important.

I wish you both all the best and hope that you're able to work through things and find the happiness you had together before losing your precious baby. Your love and support for each other is what is most important now.