I feel empty

[Heart_Healings]

Hiya...

I'm not sure how to start... I feel empty and alone. I feel like no-one understands, especially not my partner... and worst of all- i feel "faulty", or broken.

I've had operations for endometriosis and the doctors have said i'd find it difficult to conceive... but we did and my body changed and was so happy...

I decided to move some furniture - felt all happy and spring cleaningly and I felt such terrible pain.... And after a day in bed in agonizing pain and crying, i lost her. I lost my little one and it was my fault. I just moved 1 bookcase and 1 trunk and i hurt her and me. I didn't mean to hurt her!

I bled for 2 days and since i've had 3 "periods" bleeding only 2 days like a painful memory that haunts me every time. My periods now have agonizing pain and i feel dizzy and faint.

I feel like no-one can help me, and my partner says "don't worry, it'll all be okay"... but i think i'm broken. i'm not right. i failed. i feel faulty. i feel angry... so angry at myself.

I sometimes think maybe i'm not meant to have children ever, maybe it was a sign?

I work as a psychic and i help others through pain and sadness and indecision and i couldn't help myself. I couldn't "see" my future with my little girl and I can't "see" anything now.

I feel lost. I feel helpless.

Does anyone understand?? :,(

[Butterfly Child]

Awww Heart_Healings
Im so so sorry the biggest hugs for you
You didnt do anything wrong hunny. dont blame yourself beautiful
my thoughts and prayers are with you hun
you are so strong remember that, you will get the beautiful baby you deserve xx

[Matthew's Mum]

Heart Healings,I'm sorry for your loss,I know it is devastating.I felt so very guilty for my loss,drove myself mad goggling anything about miscarriage/pregnancy,drove my doctors mad with 'did this cause the loss' his comment to me about the lifting was it would have to extreme such as pushing a car out of a ditch and even then it still might not be the reason.There seems to be no gaurantee reason a lot of the time.P[ease try not to blame yourself you obviously loved and wanted your little girl very much and nothing you done was intentional,so many women lift in pregnancy with no problems.I felt pain when lifting my son,and doctor & midwife said i t was round ligament pain.I hope you're able to find some comfort through the pain.Have you named your baby ,I found that helped me?

[Heart_Healings]

Well actually we had named her, "Shanti" (sanskit for peace) and it really makes it harder i think. Instead of her being a little group of cells, she's a person, with now no hopes and desires... no way to make it in the world. just emptiness.

My partner (SO) says she's still around and she'll come back, but it's like the MC has thrown a lot of my beliefs into whack, because i know from mediumship that lost little ones don't "try again", but remain in spirit-form. How can MY girl come back to me?

SO wants to try again but i worry i won't be a good mother if it happens. I feel so much anger and although i have a therapist, i feel the sadness will not just go away. SO and I started to make things ready for Shanti. We went to baby stores and we bought this giraffe toy because Shanti seemed to want it. I can't look at that toy now. I've locked it away in a chest and i feel guilty for doing it! Then i feel sad because i don't want Shanti to think i never loved her.

The worst of all.... perhaps, is that when i was pregnant, i started to feel so creative again. I used to paint when i was younger and i was very good... and when i had Shanti, i felt that happiness again and i started to draw all the time. I lost her half way through i beautiful piece of a giraffe in Dr Seuss stylizings (Spotted! on Flickr - Photo Sharing!) and though i finished it, and it looks nice, i don't have that passion for art anymore. It's lost, along with my little girl. I finished the work, but i lost faith in myself and i lost the "love" of art. I find my work now is hollow and I feel unable to make something work without feelings of inadequacy.

Then right after the bleeding and the loss, i got spotty - like acne-central! I've been struggling with spots, blackhead, pimples and such gloriousness as revisiting to puberty! Also, i began to feel like i felt when i was 13: helpless, alone, misunderstood...

I wonder - do others really feel this way? Are my feelings just wrong? When will i feel better?

I miss my beautiful girl.

I miss feeling happy.

I miss the lightness.

I miss the love.

[Emmy83]

Heart_Healings I am sorry to hear about what has happened to you and your Shanti and how you are feeling. I completely agree with Butterfly Child you didn't do anything wrong to cause this to happen.

I can relate to how you are feeling on most levels especially feeling your broken and faulty. I also feel like no-one understands, especially not my husband who seems to be minimising what I have lost.

As for thinking its a sign to not have a child of your own I don't think so and I won't stop trying until I have another child or that trying again isn't an option for me anymore. I am devastated to not be able to try again at this time and that makes me so sad that my parts are damaged and now missing (lost my tube from ectopic and have damage from adhesions from Endo and bowel disease) its so hard to except that the family I planned wont happen (I wanted 5-6kids) and what is wrong with me. Why can't I get pregnant and when I do why do I loose it. Its very hard to accept and its something I have not accepted at this time.

Grief makes us all act differently for me I only play the piano when I am sad so I am on the opposite spectrum compaired to you there but grief for me makes me play when if I am happy I don't touch it. I hate playing when I am happy as it reminds me of my grief when I have played in the past. Maybe being pregnant with Shanti gave you a new lease in life that brought your creative side back I don't know.

And you will be a good mother when you have another child. Its a protection mechanism I am sure. You don't feel like you can love another child as much as the one you have lost and you feel guilty but in time you will feel that your child was the one you were meant to have earth bound despite the grief you feel at not sharing the next so many years enjoying the company of Shanti.

As for the spots stress and grief and miscarriage does all sorts of strange things to your hormones. I too look like a spotty run down old woman much older then I am. When your cycle returns and life improves I am sure your spots will go away or get back to whats normal for you. Thinking fo you at such a difficult time

[Matthew's Mum]

I don't think my sadness will go away because the only thing that would take that away would be to have my baby back.Ithink/hope we learn how to live with the loss and heartache.Things what help others ,don't help others,i read/listen to people ideas and picked what ones were worth a try.I don't think anyone feelings after loss are wrong,we are all different .I love scrapbooking and after my loss i didn't wont anything to do with it but now the love of it has come back, maybe your love of art will come t is in time,maybe that will be a gift from her.Whatever our beliefs are i think its normal for them to be challenged after all our world has been shattered.I hope you find some comfort soon

[Heart_Healings]

Thank you for your kind, supportive words. It strangely feels better knowing others feel the similar feelings as i do!