my only chance

[Metaphorica]

Hi all
I don't know whether writing this is going to make me feel worse or better. This morning doc tells me the pregnancy won't proceed, the baby has died at 11 weeks. I knew something was wrong because I started to lose side effects, so I went to the doctor and he redid the blood test.
We never expected to have kids. 3 years ago we were told that without IVF, we would likely never conceive. Back then, at age 41, the stats were not good for falling pregnant even with IVF. So gave up on the idea. 2.5 years later, surprise surprise, I get pregnant, for the first time in my life. We were astonished, it was supposed to be a less than 1 in 30,000 chance. My partner suffers debilitating depression, and all of a sudden he changed, he had something to live for again. I knew that at age 43 my chances of miscarriage were higher, but even then it didn't stop us starting to read books and thinking up names and planning a future we never, ever expected we'd have. Our doctor is really kind and said he was really disappointed for us--we have been through so much these last few years, and this suddenly became a blip of hope, of joy for the future aside from our dreary selves. I had suffered anorexia in the past, and so I felt this to be a miracle. Being pregnant also gave me a new love and respect for my body, and an "aha" realisation: that this is what my body is for. All my other plans for a new career etc paled in comparison to this. I sit here and write and starting to bleed and must have D&C (is that scary?) on Monday. We came home, lay in bed and just bawled our eyes out. The odds were stacked against us, they still are, and I have no hope of it ever happening again, with the fertility profile as it was, and my age. I enjoyed reading these forums, but have no place any more. Those of you who have even one child, you are lucky and blessed. thank you for reading this. I'm surprised I'm able to write...I'm numb and at a loss for words.
Metaphorica

[Pretty Butterfly]

Oh sweets, I have no words, just some hugs and all my thoughts ..........

[Loula]

a loss is so painful whenever it happens. you and DH need each other right now, hold each other tight xx

[NaeNae]

oh hun I am so so sorry x x x x

[snugglybean]

That sounds so hard. Look after yourself, and your partner. Don't be afraid to seek counselling.

And always remember that little one in your heart - with you for such a short time, but look what joy it had already brought.

[Dotty]

I'm so sorry for your loss. xo

[craftymummy9]

so sorry for your loss metaphorica

Can't imagine how hurt you are feeling right now as most of us on here have had a least one child and then lost but you must not give up hope be strong you concieved that is a miracle don't forget it you may concieve again how great would that be. Hold each other give each other strength and if you want to try again go for it life is never going the way we think it is it always throws in some change !
A D&C is not too bad general anasthetic and when you wake up you feel so sad and empty but after a couple of days of pain ( take the pain killers don't be a fool ) look on the future and start counting the days when you can try again think positive remember your body can do this again if you really want.

[bookworm12]

I'm so sorry, I'm a bit older myself and understand a little of your perspective. I lost my first pregnancy at 10 weeks in August, and I'm 37 now. We still have more time before it's impossible to have a child, but I can emphathise with the excitement of planning, etc. for a baby and seeing that dream evaporate. Let yourself grieve for as long as it's necessary, and see a counselor if that's helpful for you. Sending kind thoughts and prayers for both of you.

[Me+him+bub]

my heart goes out to you, i myself have had a D and C and I wont lie, it isnt fun emotionally, but it isnt painful so dont be scared of that. Also please dont give up, just last week i had a patient (im an RN) and she was 47 and pregnant with a healthy baby, although she miscarried 3 times prior she still got there with no assistance. These stories sadly are few and far between but it can happen.

[Samcougar]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry for your loss, words can't express what it's like to lose a child.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your partner. Be kind to yourself

[cheekyfrog]

Metaphorica, I am so sorry you have lost your much wanted, much longed for baby. Please be gentle on yourself and find comfort in those around you. I found coming on BB a great help in the weeks after my missed miscarriage two and a half years ago. The D&C is not painful but I remember how very sad it was in recovery, knowing that I wouldn't be bringing home a baby to cuddle and love. I remember how much I missed being pregnant and all those dreams. I remember the fear that I'd never have another chance. I was 39 and my DP is 17 years older than me. Try not to let the blackness steal you away but focus on the future and the knowledge that yes, your body does know how to make a baby - that was a thought that helped me. And I feel truly grateful for the miracle that is my DS, who has just turned 1. Sending you much love and thinking of you and your DP.
Fly away, little angel, and watch over your mummy and daddy who hoped so much for you. Know that you will always be loved.
Kerry

[mrsmac]

Please do not feel that you don't belong on this forum, they are for everyone and at this time you need the support and love from the many wonderful women in here.
A m/c is always tragic and I know you must be absolutely devastated, I have had 2 and its the loss of hope for the future that is the worst part.
Please be kind to yourself and lean on us for support.
My thoughts are with you and your DH.

[Matthew's Mum]

Sorry about the loss of your precious baby.Hope you &dh are able to find some comfort in each other.Miracle babies do happen so i hope you don't give up hope on your dreams.Hugs

[Metaphorica]

Thank you all for your kind words and support, I am moved to tears. Thank you also for the honest assessment of the D&C--especially that their may be some emotional aftershocks. And I will certainly take painkillers, as you recommend. I think I am still in shock and so is DP. Went out for coffee today and it just seems like there are babies and pregnant women everywhere and that just hurts, but I suppose that is a common experience. my partner is really supportive and patient, but now I feel like I'm always going to be hoping it will happen, and that I will be one of the 45 year old or 47 year olds who get lucky, when it was easier when I had no expectations or hope. Life feels pretty empty at the moment, and everything else pales in comparison to that unexpected and joyous 11 weeks. Thank you again all for your understanding and support.
Metaphorica

[satya]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Try not to give up hope. At 41 I was told I would not have a successful pregnancy without IVF. That doctor was wrong.

I gave birth at the age of 42 & my son was conceived naturally. I'd already had 3 losses & had suffered many years of infertility yet my pregnancies were all achieved without the use of fertility drugs.

My last 3 pregnancies all happened within the space of around 6 months so I felt that I actually got more fertile in my 40's which makes no sense at all but that is what happened. Please do not give up hope - you really do not know what lies around the corner where fertility is concerned.

[Metaphorica]

Satya, thank you. That is very, very meaningful. Even though I know scientifically/statistically the odds are tiny, now that it's happened once, I can't help but wish and hope and pray. I have prayed that if the little one wants to try again, this time with a healthy body, that I make myself available. 6 months?!! That's amazing, and perhaps you are right, it can happen for me, too.
blessings to you all. As my partner said, when you hear of someone having undergone a miscarriage, it's just words, until it happens to you. I understand now all of you and your grief and loss.

I am scared of the D&C. A few years ago I had one and they left me waiting the whole day with nothing to eat or drink and I had a panic attack from lack of water/food. I am scared that if I turn up to emergency like my doctor has suggested,that the same thing will happen. I know there's got to be a certain amount of time elapsed between last food/water before a general anaesthetic, but I'm not sure whether to turn up to emergency first thing in the morning already fasting (and hopefully get seen to quicker) or turn up having had a light snack, in which case they wouldn't do me until the afternoon.

I am so glad of the support here.

[snugglybean]

Can you book your d & c through a gynae to get it done more promptly? Turning up to emergency doesn;t sound like a good option. Mine was done through the hospital's EPAU, and the gynae reg tacked it on to the end of the day's elective c-sects, so had a booked time.
It's a tough experience emotionally, but so is any loss. I don't think it's because of the d & c itself that it's tough.
On the plus side (if there can be one) it will really clean you out, so to speak, and might help you to become more fertile for next time, if you decide to keep trying, and I hope you do - I've got my fingers crossed!

To get you through seeing the babies and the preg bellies everywhere, just remind yourself that you don't know their story - each might have had 3 or 4 losses before they got that baby, or it might have taken 10 years to conceive, you just don't know.

Good luck for your d & c - thinking of you tomorrow

[craftymummy9]

Metaphorica

Hope today goes ok for you and you are not hanging around too long waiting for the D&C think of it as the start of your next cycle and like snugglebean says its sometimes a good thing can clean you out and give you a better chance of TTC in the future.
I am 44 and still thinking positive ok Ive had kids before but I have lost 5 now so the odds are against me too. But I truley beleive my body can do this again and I am sure yours will too if you give it your best shot think only positive thoughts and go for it when you feel well and in touch with yourself again after your D&C . I spent the first 5 days after breaking down into tears all the time with no warning I felt so empty and sad but then I realized I was thinking in the past and changed my thinking and started looking into the future and that was my goal to get a BFP ASAP. Not sure if its good advice or not but Ive always been a gret beleiver in the power of the mind.

sending you a big to help you get this week over its going to be a hard one for you