update

[widdly]

well ladies, I am feeling a bit confused over whether I got back with DH for the right reasons...He has been great, but I am missing my freedom and independence.

I miss just doing whatever I want whenever I want. I miss having my own money to organise how I want to organise it (even though it was bugger all money!).

That happy go lucky feeling I had when single has disappeared, but im not sure why?

So many things about DH still pee me off, like his irresponsibility with money. He is quite happy that he will never have any savings...this coming from a person who earnt 79000 last financial year I dont know if i can put up with uch an irresponsible DH. I have worked out that if i am to stay in this marriage I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that i will have to be the responible one, i cant ever rely on him to be the responsible one, not sure how this sits with me TBH.

BBL, sick DS needs a snuggle

[Lulu]

Did you move back in with him? I know you were giving it another go, but not sure you have moved back or not.

Ummm, it's up to you but I think it's a crap burden to carry in a relationship. No wonder you felt freer before!

[leesa]

Due to our work stress levels (heightened during work then tend to go dull and flat when off duty), I find I bear most of the responsibilities at home too. DH is just tired and depleted. He'll do some chores if I ask him though.

Kind of a different scenario (voluntary vs involuntary), but nonetheless, it is a tough thing to deal with - where you'ld like it to be 50 / 50. You need a break too.

Sounds like you're more acting like a mother to him than a wife though...(re spending of the money). I think he needs to step up personally.

Hugs hun!

[widdly]

leesa - thanks hun, yeah, maybe you guys were right all along, he needs a maid and a mother not a wife... but i really do love him...or maybe i just like that DS is so incredibly happy with us together

lulu - yes, I am back living with him, I know I should have stayed away but it is just too tempting to move back in, so much easier with Archie, plus I was living at Dads, and that has MANY stresses of its, he is another who likes and maid adn a mother!

DH wants to have another baby right now, of course I am not going to I am more responsible than that! I just think that is the most irresponsible thing!! We havebeen having so many issues and he thinks that giving me another baby will fix everything. He knows what a crap husband and dad he has been since the birth of DS, and I think he wants to make up for that by being better with anohter baby. When I left him a huge part of the reson I left was because he didn't enjoy father hood and seemed to like the single life too much, so maybe he wants to get me pregnant to keep me here? Oh my god! But he totally professes his undying love for me every day..

As for money, i have talked about it with him a couple of times, but of course nothing has been donw. I jokingly says yeah i know ill ever have a savings account. We are still renting cause he cant save a deposit for a house. I have a well off Great grandfather, DH sayd dont worry when he pops off we will buy a house...well yes, when he pops off we will have the money for a house....but you shouldn't go about life like that when you are an adult with a family. So I told him last week that I will never again trust him with finances and I have no reason to trust him after all he has done, he nodded but I could tell he was annoyed at hearing that. I told him I want to sit down with him adn write down all his expenses for each month so I know where the money is going cause I want to start a savings account. He was putting $100 into my account each month for CS, he asked to stop it, and I said now way it can keep going to my account so i can save, he thinks its a silly idea! Also I am getting FTB put in my account so he never sees it. He get 3 grand tax back next week, I told him I wanted $1000 of that in my account to save (really I think most of it should go in there), he agreed, but not all that happily. I know that the other 2 grand will just get ****ed up against the wall. He is planning to do a trip to Melbourne at the end of the mnth adn staying in a hotel with his friend for a couple of nights just to catch up with him....hmmmmm...and how is that fair to DS and I....we sit home bored while DH has fun and wastes money we could be saving for a house....

Oh i dont know,

[mum1984]

To me it sounds like he wants and has all the freedom of a single man with no children, but still has the luxury of someone to come home to and give him company and comfort?

If you arnt happy speak up to him and if you arnt happy with his response then tell him.

Good luck Widdly I hope you find that spark that you had when you were single again

[tashybabe]

Originally Posted by widdly

leesa - thanks hun, yeah, maybe you guys were right all along, he needs a maid and a mother not a wife... but i really do love him...or maybe i just like that DS is so incredibly happy with us together

Oh i dont know,

Darl - I hate to say it, but I think you do know deep down..... Did you guys sit down and talk about your core values? I think I remember you mentioning it when you got back together.... Saving etc when you have a family is obviously a core value for you, not so for him. He may not be ready to grow up yet, however much he needs you to be there for him.

Did you feel you could be more yourself when you were on your own? I know you love him, but love really isn't enough - there has to be trust and respect and teamwork.

Hope you can work it out.

[widdly]

mum1984 - you are exactly right, he has the life of a single guy with the perks of us being here waiting for him all the time

tash - thanks hun. Savings was not a core value I thought to discuss actually! Silly me!

I have just sat down with him, I got on a budget website and made him put in every loan payment and expense he has (plus mine) to show him exactly how much money he is throwing away. Well surprise surprise, all things taken into account, with no money for any sort of entertainment or anything, we are $1900 in the red each year!!!!!!! How fing ridiculous!! He earns $80 000 a year! He was astounded and tried to blame the computer for stuffing the calculations up LMAO!

[Butterfly Child]

Big hugs hun,
I hope whatever you do, that you do it because its the right thing for you hun, if your not happy in the long run it wont necessarily be the best thing for you ds, whether it be with him or without him, its your happiness that matters too, i cant imagine how hard it is being in your situation, trying to do the right thing by your son thats what makes you such a beautiful and special mum,your puting your own needs and wants last, but sometimes we need to make ourselves happy first iykwim,

It sounds to me as though you were starting to enjoy your independence when you were'nt with him, his lack of responsibility and his finance issues seem like a real pita for you hun if he could change this and prove his responsible attitude to his money and his family maby their could be some hope if you think there is some. ultimatly i think deep inside you know what you want/need to do and i cant even imagine how hard it would be to listen to it hun im thinking of you

[widdly]

okay, so half hour after my last post, DH comes back and says "Im selling my car" I can not believe this! He would absolutely never have considered this ever before, he has grown up!!! He advertised his car on the net tonight. Thing is it was costing us $350 every fortnight just for the car payment!! Then theres the petrol, rego and stuff. So now we are just gonna have my Mitsubishi Mirage 2 door car for the next few years while we get on top of debt.

This is exactly what he needed to do for me to believe things really are going to change. I have a new respect for him now, he has just proved to me that he really is putting us first.

BC - thankyou so much for your supportive post, it means so much to me x

[bjrose]

Wow...I hope he sticks to this & that it all works out to make you happy

[kelebek]

Originally Posted by widdly

okay, so half hour after my last post, DH comes back and says "Im selling my car" I can not believe this! He would absolutely never have considered this ever before, he has grown up!!!

This is exactly what he needed to do for me to believe things really are going to change. I have a new respect for him now, he has just proved to me that he really is putting us first.

ever so gently I just want to point out that this is a great step and that I am glad after actually sitting down and seeing your expenses and realising how much debt you have that he has made a step towards fixing it. I am sure you are aware he has many steps to go and I hope they are together with you. I would hold off on another baby, while he may not have been great with Archie in the past this is his chance to prove with Archie now what a great dad he is rather then throw another sibling into the mix.

I think it's great that he is selling the 2nd car my question is how are you going to share your car? does he need a cheap 2nd car so you keep your independance?? I also think that you should be putting money into another account even if he doesn't know about it.

[Lulu]

This IS good hun, but it' needs just a little more time, little more action, little more proof xoxoxo

[widdly]

kelebek - I agree with everything you have said. He has agreed with all my savings plans and dont worry, there is absolutely no way I will have another baby with him any time soon, Im off to get Mirena IUD put in next month, so that will make me baby fre for the next 5 years. As for needing a second car, no we can get by just fine with the one car.

lulu - yep, thankyou, I agree x