Parenting After Loss or Miscarriage January 2009

[Inanna]

Welcome to Parenting after Miscarriage or Loss. In this thread you will find women who are navigating the sometimes difficult but joyous challenge of parenting after saying goodbye. This can throw up many challenges and in here you will find friendship and a safe place to share your experiences.

If you have any concerns within the thread please email/ PM any of the following Moderating/Admin team for this forum (all emails & PM's are treated equally & confidentially) :-

Niliac
Mistyfying and
Flowerchild

Their email addresses can be found here.

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Here's wishing each and every one of you, a happy and easy going parenting journey after a difficult ride to get there!

You will find the previous thread HERE.

[Spring Angel]

Whoo Hoo Willow

It is wonderful to hear that your scan went well.

Lv Spring

[mako]

WOOHOO Willow on the WONDERFUL scan. I just knew that Boo would be happily bouncing around for you today
Like the others have said,the work situation has happend for a reason babe and while its never a pleasent thing to happen atleast this will open up new doors for you and will give you the space you need to embrace your new career path

BW I understand what you mean about the nursery also a storage room. Sage's room is very much like that too as is our dining room and our bedroom

[Inanna]

Thanks Willow for your SMS - I was over the moon for you and Boo!!!! Is it becoming a little more real now??? You are having a baby my love!!!!

I understand that you would be feeling a bit shocked about your job - but I have to agree 200% with Michelle - this is the Universe's way of getting the things out that need to be out to make room for positives for 2009!!!

This is a great year for you Willow - it's all happening as it should...

Spring: Sorry to hear about the croup and your little man - that sounds just awful - so so scary... I hope things are settling down... It's so much to deal with alone. I wish I could do something practical to help - you are only an hour away but I still have gastro... I am yucko - but getting better slowly. Kids are okay...

Michelle: Hoping that Boobie - it's a beautiful boobie - giving you a rough trot - is better...

I am doing some BB housekeeping and then going to bed...

[Janie]

Willow, you know how happy I am for you babe! Congrats again hun

Sorry to be a downer, but I am feeling crappo this evening. I was starting to feel a bit better about things today, I think going back to work had helped. However I had a call tonight from DH's niece. She has a little girl 5 months younger than DS. It was not a planned pg, but they decided to go through with it, and really embraced it. I was SO excited for her, and tried to help her as much as I could, especially with BFing (which she did a great job of). They have been keen to have another baby for ages, and I figured this would be the year. But I didn't expect to get a call tonight saying she's pg! I AM excited and happy for them......but I also feel insanely jealous. I know that's crazy. What is wrong with me? Why are my head and my heart telling me different things? Well, I know what it is, I had the same thing before DS, but it's driving me crazy! If I hadn't had that awful week last week, I would be feeling so much happier about her pg. If drives me nuts that I'm not as excited as last time she told me. I think she could tell too, although I tried really hard. The thing I feel worst about is that she had an early m/c in November, and I know how hard that is, and how much you want to be pg after that! For me, it was the only way I 'got over' my m/c, getting pg again. But this time, it might be months before I'm pg.

Oh man, crazy rambling again, I'm sorry girls. Surely it shouldn't be this hard? Surely I should be coping better than this?

[Michelle71]

Janie - you should know better Planned or unplanned, expected or unexpected, a pregnancy loss is devastating and it takes time to process all of the emotions that accompany that loss. Your heart has been wanting a baby for a while, even if your head is telling you to wait. It may help to tell DH's niece of the early loss you just experienced so she can understand your restrained reaction. It is hard to be excited sometimes when you are still dealing with your own mixed emotions and feelings of loss. And no - you shouldn't be coping better with this. You are, in fact, coping just fine Here if you want to chat. In fact, I could be up all night again

Going to head to bed. The little girl has JUST gone to sleep after a very unsettled night and day and night I don't think she has really slept at all today and she is so very tired. She feeds and then less than an hour later is screaming in pain. She does not do bodily functions well. I am also not sure if she has reflux because she burps and then screams in pain. The problem is I am still on the damn antibiotics so until they are out of my system I am not sure if she has a problem or if I am the problem.

Add to that my anxiety is worse with Lily than it was with Oscar and it increases with my sleep deprivation. But that is a whole other post when I am feeling brave enough to share how nuts I am currently feeling. It is awful and I am still so scared I am going to lose this little girl as well Makes for a very emotional roller coaster at the moment and I still feel like I have yet to fully bond with her because I am scared she is going to be taken away. I really hate this feeling.

[LisaL]

Willow - YAY!! Im so happy for you hun! I know its a bit disappointing about your job, but someone once told me that every so often 'the universe throws something your way' and this might be your 'something'.

Janie - Oh sweety, its hard to hear of a new pg after being disappointed yourself, and only so recently too. You are obviously ready emotionally for another baby, and given that it was so close and without you being 'ready' you still feel that emotional need and attachment. I felt really disappointed last time i thought i might be UTD even though we werent trying, so what your feeling is very normal and given the time of the month, you are probably a little more sensitive and emotional than normal. Give your man special hugs in the morning and know that we are all thinking of you.

Im buggered from the big clean and the heat! I'll be back tomorrow to catch up with everyone else..

Lisa

[~Jayne~]

JANIE _ Oh honey, don't be so hard on yourself. The biggest thing is that you are honest with your feelings. You know what has just happened last week & I know you have decided not to think anymore into it, but underneath it all, you know what has happened & you wouldn't be human if you didn't have those feelings that you do. The mature thing about it all is that you have acknowledged the envy & are a big enough person to admit to it. It doesn't mean you are any less happy for your niece, because I know you are happy for her. TBH I think you are 'ready' to have another child, look at what a fantastic job you have done with Nicholas & all the support you have given so many other people with BF tips & the work you have done with the ABA! You will breeze it in having another child. I know what has just happened wasn't at all planned, but perhaps it's Mother Nature's on way of letting you realise that you are ready & your body is willing & able! You feel jealous & envious that another person has opened a wonderful chapter into their life & it's sooooooo very easy to get caught up in the momentum of it all. It's wonderful to announce a pregnancy, wonderful to birth a child, wonderful to get engaged, wonderful to buy a house, etc... & when you hear somebody so delighted to announce something, it's hard NOT to get caught up in it all & catch some of their enthusiasm & want it for yourself.

I think underneath it all, you're aching for another child & so ready to add another little being into your beautiful family, maybe this phone call today is just what you needed to realise it?

Love ya Sez!

Jayne x

[LisaL]

Michelle - we must have posted at the same time. I had similar trouble with Alexandra at the start (first 7wks or so). Try putting some warm water in a bottle and gently roll it back and forth over her tummy. That use to help miss a settle sometimes. She didnt poo that well either and it wasnt until I took her to the chiropractor that things started to get better and the screaming stopped. I can only imagine how you must be feeling, and certainly the no sleep doesnt help the emotions. But I encourage you to share your feelings and more than likely some of us have felt that way too over the years and sometimes it helps just to get things off your chest. If you can, sneak in some meditation and special prayer time to help you better grasp the concept that little Miss Lily Catherine is your special little gift from above, one that is yours to keep forever and a day.


Hope the sleep fairies come to visit tonight...
Lis XX

[Michelle71]

Thank you Lisa I will talk and share what is spinning in my head. It is just a time thing at the moment and I need to get it out properly to make sure it comes out right. I need to send you a return email too because there was some very accurate stuff you mentioned and it came at a time when I needed to hear it.

[LisaL]

Michelle - you know we are here for you when your ready to unscramble your thoughts. Thinking of you and im glad the email found you well. And go to bed woman! what are you still doing up... Im logging off now, time for me to sleep too. Little Miss A was up at 5am this morning for god knows what reason! Hoping she doesnt do a repeat!

Good night, sweet dreams
Lis XX

[Janie]

Michelle, massive hugs my friends We are definitely all here for you when you're ready. I'm sure you'll feel better for sharing. xoxo

Thank you lovely girls, you've made me feel much better! Off to work now

[butterfly_warrior]

Michelle, this may come out a little garbled, especially if Samuel decides to be unsettled (he's just gone down...). But I wanted to let you know that I too feel as if I have bonding issues with Samuel and that even though I'm aware that in your case it's because of Caitlyn, I think it is relatively normal and you shouldn't beat up on yourself over it. I think for me it was having such a long and difficult time in getting pregnant and staying pregnant, and then spending the entire pregnancy waiting for someone to take it all away from me... and then only a few brief moments after Samuel was born, someone DID take him away. I still get all teary when I think about that, especially as it then starts me thinking about all the other things that happened in SCN and really gets the guilts over not being able to breastfeed happening... Sending you many gentle hugs and hoping that it helps to know that others can struggle with similar things for entirely different reasons.

Now, speaking of the breastfeeding guilts... Last night I managed to do up one of Samuel's bottles too tight and he wasn't able to get anything out. I recall watching him... suck, suck, suck, stop and rest... suck, suck, suck, stop and rest... and so on for about ten minutes. I remember thinking that he was being really funny with his bottle tonight and that it looked like being a very slow feed... and then I eventually decided to take the bottle away and start from the beginning. The level in the bottle hadn't changed any appreciable amount at all, and then it hit me... That was the way Samuel would suck when we tried him on the breast. We assumed he'd be getting something (even though the pump wasn't) because he was content to stay there for upwards of 15 minutes or so (that's the longest we got and I took him off because his attachment had slipped). He sucks VERY differently when he's actually getting stuff... so now I feel like the paediatrician was right and that me even trying to breastfeed him was harming him in some way... You'd think this little discover would make me feel better about the decision to formula feed him, but instead all it's doing is making me feel worse about having persevered for so long - thinking about what it put him through and the fact that I put myself through two weeks of agony and frustration on the pump when I could have spent those two weeks just getting to know Samuel and enjoying having him... something else that has likely contributed to our perceived bonding issues.

*sigh*

Hope I don't sound like a complete fruit loop this morning.

Janie, still thinking of you... Sorry that I never actually got around to putting more of my thoughts into words. Have to agree with the others, though - would probably be a good idea to mention your loss to your niece. It matters little how early the pregnancy was lost, it's still lost all the same - and you start to dream whether you've known you were pregnant for 5 minutes or 5 weeks. It's still bloody hard, so take it easy on yourself.

Going to take my scrambled brain away and feed it some breakfast.

BW

[Willow]

Janie - I really feel for you babe, it's an awful position you find yourself in. I've been there too so many times after our loss and while we were ttc DS...it truly is the most awful feeling. You can't help feeling the way you do but you still hate yourself for it. Give yourself some time to process what happened last week though. It's still pretty raw. I would have to agree with Jayne though - it sounds to me that you might be ready now. You've been mulling this over for a while now. I know your DH is ready and maybe this was the universe's way of letting you know for sure (although a little less harsh next time would be good ) Hang in there and talk as much as you need to.

Michelle - oh Michelle... I hate to hear that you are feeling like this. It reminds me so much of the way I was after DS was born. I know you will share in your own time (and when you actually have some time!) but honestly, it took me a few weeks to admit just how bad I was feeling and only then did things start to improve. I think my issues were slightly different to yours. Your grief over Caitlyn is playing a major part here, which you already know For me, it was the overwhelming feeling that after everything we'd been through I had to make this newborn experience just perfect - you know, settled, sleeping baby, besotted mum etc etc. People would ask that stupid question "Is he a good baby?" and I didn't know how to answer that. To me he was the best baby in the world, but he wasn't sleeping and he was unsettled. I felt overwhelmed, lost, scared and like I was messing everything up. I loved him to bits but I just wasn't enjoying it. And the guilt I felt over that was HUGE. Add to that the guilt I felt over DD and not getting any time with her and basically I was a mess. His sleeping issues in those early weeks and the sleep deprivation that caused played a part. But things DID get better, and they will for you.

I hope you managed some sleep.

BW - You've learned fast that mother guilt is a killer! PLEASE don't beat yourself up over the b'feeding issues. You've been through sooooo much to get to this point. Try your hardest to let all that stuff go and just enjoy your little boy. We're always here when you need to get stuff off your chest. I know you've done a bit of a debrief in the birth story section - I hope that has helped.

Spring - hope Ollie is feeling better.

Big hello to everyone else. Going to be a hot day here today (again) so I might take the kids over to MIL's for a swim and ducted AC!! DS had his late 12 month vac yesterday so keeping an eye on him in this heat, but he seems to be doing OK.

[BekZ]

Hi all,

I don't have time to post personals but to everyone that needs it....have a big

[mako]

I'm just popping in quickly to let Michelle and Janie know that I'm thinking of you both. I will pop back in later tonight to do a proper post. BIG BIG to you both.

Hi to everyone else. BBL tonight

[Michelle71]

Thanks girls. I'm not doing too bad. Just the odd moment when it all spins around in my head. I'll be back later to chat.

[BekZ]

Just a quick post for Michelle. When I had Loren I was strong antibiotics for the surgery I had post labour. Loren had major tummy/wind/reflux issues for weeks after. I put her on Babybiotics (probiotic for babies) and myself on a probiotic as well. This helped immensley.

Gotta go mad hour here