Not bonding well with next child after loss

[kristi14]

Have any of you found you didnt bond as well as you should have with the next child you had after suffering a loss?

I think for me it was fear of giving myself completely just in case it happened again, so i guarded myself so i was prepared if anything happened.

I had a late loss 3 yrs ago (Sept 05). I had a little girl that stopped growing at 16wks, passed at 18wks, and despite me telling a few people i felt something wasnt right with her, didnt find out until my scan at 19wks 5days. I had a mw look for her hb at 18wks 5days and she couldnt find one, but she told me it was hard to find at that gestation and she could hear her kicking, so she was fine. I went home and told myself i was just being silly, only to go to my scan the next week and get the shock of my life because i had let my guard down. I had her at 19wks 6 days. No reason why she passed, everything came back clear. We didnt get proper closure because when it came to picking up her prints, i rang to say i was coming to get them and just happened to ask when the memorial service would be and the ashes going in the garden, so we could attend if we decided we wanted to. I was told "Last Thursday". In an instant my closure was ripped away from me. What can you do then, you cant bring back the service.

I fell pregnant with my next child 5 to 6 mths later, having had an ectopic in between. The pregnancy was full of anxiety and it didnt stop just because i got past the 20wk milestone either. I know i guarded myself and was on alert just in case. Thankfully she was born healthy in Nov 06.

I had great expectations on her birth thinking i would have closure from my loss as soon as i held my baby (because this is what someone told me). She was born and handed to me and i felt nothing. Where was this closure? I loved the little girl as soon as i saw her but i was extremely flat.

I thought i had bonded with her.

Until i bought home our new baby last month. Suddenly i realised i hadnt bonded with her, because i have bonded with newborn born last month. I felt like i had to start all over again with her. And have really been making an extra effort to bond with her. I felt so bad about it. I looked at her totally differently when i bought home our newborn. Its getting alot better now, but the guilt was phenomenal. At the time she almost seemed foreign to me. Ive not had this happen when bringing home any of my others and my immediate thought when noticing my emotions, jumped to my loss.

Has anyone else experienced this?

I hope this makes sense, its a long story and ive tried condensing it.

[tiggerandpooh]

Kristi - just wanted to give you a

[kristi14]

Thanks tiggerandpooh, i really appreciate it.

I hope i havent upset or annoyed anyone with my thread.

I felt comfortable to post my experience in here and to see if it was a common thing amongst others or not.

[Kate07]

Dear Kristi

Thank you for sharing. You have spoken aloud my fears about having a baby. I hope that someone else can come along and give you some more input.

I think it is great that you have been able to recognise that the bonding with your second last wasn't as immediate or as strong, and you are able to work on it again now.

Maybe it shows that healing does take time, and with this new baby at this time you are more able to give and receive love and care to all your kids.

take care,

kate

[*charmalea*]

kristi , i think its quite brave of you to be so honest .. i had 2 losses that i think i pourposley ignored , due to not wanting to confront my emotions and on the c sec birth of nix , i had a numb feeling .. and thought about my lost ones and wondered why i couldnt have them too .. it took me a bit to come round and love nixon a fiercly as i do now , and now with Gab. i fell in love as soon as she was born .. so then i felt guilty all over again as i didnt love nixon right away .

i think there is heaps of presseure on women to fall in love straight away .. our minds and bodies have been through so much and hearing stories about how it happens right away is just more upsetting and confusing to the mums (and dads) who just dont feel it ... i reckon "fallin in love straight away" is not a common as ppl make it out ..

your feeling and emotions belong to you and if you need closure then embrace it .. in any way you see fit .. allow you self to fully grieve for her.. chardonnay wont mind waiting for you to start loving her ... you know and she knows ( and i believe) that you already do , and there are just some important obstacles in the way that need closure ....

stray strong and maybe google a support group for late losses .. they could be a wealth of support for you :hugs:

[kristi14]

Thankyou so much for your replies, i had suddenly worried maybe i had said too much but now i see that i didnt.

To help you understand the order of things, just in case it gets confusing, i had a late loss at 19wks, she was a little girl we called Rubee. 6 mths later i fell pregnant and had a little girl in November called Serenitee (Ren for short). I have just had another little girl in August called Chardonnay. The baby i am talking about not bonding well with is Ren and it was having Chardonnay and bringing her home that made me realise i had not bonded with Ren as well as i thought.

Its actually a relief to hear others have experienced or are worrying about the same thing. When i fell pregnant with my DD after my late loss, my focus was on having another baby, i never thought i might have a block there and not bond with her. And as i said, while i struggled with the flat feeling and what that meant after i gave birth to her, at the time i didnt realise i didnt bond well with her until i came home with my new baby and looked at her and it was like she was almost a stranger to me and at first i pulled back quite alot because what i thought and felt scared me. But i then realised i need to make sure i work with her because i do love her and she deserves to have ALL of her mummy like her little sister does.

Kate- I think you are right, healing does take time and maybe i didnt give myself enough time. I was just so desperate to fill the void at the time. I never wanted to replace my angel and i dont see my DD as a replacement but maybe i just didnt give myself enough time. Im sorry for your loss and i hope when you do go on to have another child you have good bonding

Lea- OMG hun, you sound EXACTLY like me. I think to a certain extent i ignored Rubee's loss. Well more than i should have. I went through a months worth of crying and grieving but then i sort of shut myself down to move on and have another child and i think i shut it down prematurely. When i fell pregnant i know i did ignore alot of stuff because i wanted to completely focus on the baby i was carrying so i didnt allow myself to put any focus on my loss hardly at all. I also did this with Chardonnay's pregnancy, which is why i never mentioned it in our belly group and which is why i havent posted in the loss section of BB until now.

The numb feeling you describe after having Nix couldnt describe how i felt better. I felt like i had the biggest anti climax and was just numb.

Its not Chardonnay i havent bonded with, its Serenitee. It was through having Chardonnay that i realised i hadnt bonded well with Ren. The night i bought Chardonnay home i looked at Ren and it hit me. Ren was like she was suddenly foreign to me and for a few days i sort of shut down about it all. I have since started making an effort to cuddle her more and try and play with her more. It shocked me when this came in and i felt/feel so guilty, but also stunned that i didnt realise it until i bought Chardonnay home. Chardonnay's bonding was immediate. I saw her i was in awe of her. I was so proud and couldnt stop telling everyone how sweet she was. Ren i have always loved, but shut down to the bonding to protect myself i think, in case i had another loss.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me girls, it really helps

[*charmalea*]

[QUOTE=kristi14;1443445]at the time i didnt realise i didnt bond well with her until i came home with my new baby and looked at her and it was like she was almost a stranger to me and at first i pulled back quite alot because what i thought and felt scared me. But i then realised i need to make sure i work with her because i do love her and she deserves to have ALL of her mummy like her little sister does.


Its not Chardonnay i havent bonded with, its Serenitee. It was through having Chardonnay that i realised i hadnt bonded well with Ren. The night i bought Chardonnay home i looked at Ren and it hit me. Ren was like she was suddenly foreign to me and for a few days i sort of shut down about it all. I have since started making an effort to cuddle her more and try and play with her more. It shocked me when this came in and i felt/feel so guilty, but also stunned that i didnt realise it until i bought Chardonnay home. Chardonnay's bonding was immediate. I saw her i was in awe of her. I was so proud and couldnt stop telling everyone how sweet she was. Ren i have always loved, but shut down to the bonding to protect myself i think, in case i had another loss.

...................

i totally relate to these feelings... it just describes me and how i fell in love with gab stright away and not nix.... i hope it feels a little clearer to you today ..

and stop posting at 2am please... get some rest!!!

[kristi14]

The things we think and feel are so alike Lea its uncanny.

Thanks for your support

2am..........hmm yes, well i have bad insomnia My mind wont shut off. It might have been earlier here though cos we are 2 hrs behind you. Im not sure though cos i was up until 3:30am this morning

Just wanted to say thinking of you and how amazing it is to have someone be so honest. Motherhood must be the most difficult thing in life - emotionally you are not you anymore - these little persons we create take away our breath and life in so many ways - we as women will never be the same will always worry, question and wonder if we are doing the best for our little one's. It's just good to know that we are never alone in how we feel there is always someone ells going through the same emotions.

All the best

[Gabi]

I was worried about this in my last (and 'successful') pregnancy too. I had had an early and a late miscarriage and I was G3P0. I know I didn't bond much with my son in the womb because I was afraid to be hurt again. Even though I knew, after I didn't bond during my second pregnancy, that not bonding doesn't stop the pain. I felt sure I wouldn't be able to bond with my new baby when he arrived.

I was really doubtful about 'everything getting better once you hold a new baby in your arms', but for me it really did help. Every time I nurse my little boy I find it therapeutic.
I have nothing to compare it to, and it's still early days (he's only three months old). But I think the only reason things have been so good so far is because I went to see a psychologist towards the end of the pregnancy. When I was about 33 weeks it was the due date for my early loss and I had a huge attack of guilt when I realised because I almost forgot about it and had made no plans. That, coupled with impending birth, threw me into a downward spiral as I hadn't grieved for that loss at all. I went to a psych at my hospital who specialises in obstetrics as I had something very like AND.

Thank you for being so honest in your post! I think that guilt over the feelings can be just as bad as the feelings themselves.

[kristi14]

NR3 and Gabi- Thankyou for your replies, its nice to know you have support out there.

I am trying very much to make a point of paying attention to Serenitee, just have to work at it i think. She has become very cuddly towards me lately, so i am taking advantage of that to try and get things going.

[London]

Hi Kristi,

I am going through a similar time as you are. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for years. It was so hard being heart broken month after month. We finally succeeded however lost our first pregnancy at 12 weeks. I was beyond devestated.

I managed to get pregnant again quite quickly and found out at my 18 week U/S that our baby boy had Trisomy 13 and no chance of survival. I was induced at 21 weeks and gave birth to our son who did not survive the labour. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced. My body literally ached with greif.

We very nervously tried again and was lucky enough to get pregnant again, this time with a little girl who we also lost at 12 weeks.

After a 8 month break from trying we were blessed again with another pregnancy and absolutely thrilled to announce the birth of our daugher London on March 30th. She arrived 6 weeks early and spent the first month of her life in the NICU. She is home now and 100% healthy.

I don't know if it is because I coulnd't hold her for the first 2 days and even after that it wasn't easy to hold her due to the tubes and IV in her but it is taking a long time to bond with her. Obviously it was very stressful seeing your newborn baby like this but I think I am so numb to the pain of it all that I just seemed to be almost ambivelent about it all. I do love her to pieces and she is the sweetest baby but I think I am terrified to let my guard down. She is 3 months old now and it still seems foreign to me that she is even ours!

I am so upset by my lack of bonding and trying not to go crazy worrying about it. What if it never comes?? She is everything we have dreamed of and more, so why am I not "feeling it"? I also worry if she can pick up on it and what that will do to her.

For so long now I have ached to have "that feeling" when you hold your first child and gaze into their eyes. I just hope that the pain of all our previous loss's doesn't stop me from fully loving this one and that I am able to one day completely let my guard down and allow myself to be vulnerable again.

Thanks for letting me share this very personal experience.

[Michelle71]

London - I can understand that feeling. I had a stillborn daughter as my first child. DS arrived and there was that sensation of immediate love. But he was a boy.

DD was a different story. I felt a disconnection to her for a number of weeks after her birth. There were a number of reasons for this I believe. Firstly, she was a girl. My first girl had died and I feared that this one would be taken away too We also travelled within days of her birth to family and I don't think we had the time to *nest* together. We also had breastfeeding issues and mastitis and an admission to hospital making the first few weeks painful and stressful. Her first smiles were not for me - they were directed at others but there was not that connection with me and it was breaking my heart. My MIL was worried when we stayed with them at 6 weeks, recognising there was a problem but not sure how to fix it. She knew I was hurting but didn't know how to help.

And then it changed. I started to feel like she was mine, not some strange baby left in my care. She smiled and interacted with me. The connection was built and I stopped feeling like she would be taken away from me. That I would lose another baby girl.

Now, my heart swells with love every time I look at her. She reaches out and touches my face when we *talk*. She calls out her version of mum when she wants me and looks for me. I get that gorgeous, milky smile when she is feeding and then stops to look in my eyes. I melt and she is perfection incarnate. Just like I feel with my son.

There are moments when we try to protect our heart from experiencing further pain. Until we can assimilate the knowledge that this child is ours to love and grow the disconnection can often be felt. For you, the added pain and distress of a NICU stay will take time to process on top of the loss of your son. It does get better BUT - if you feel like it isn't, then seek some help. You are not alone in feeling like this and it is perfectly ok to seek someone outside to discuss your fears with.

[maz]

OMG I so hear you

I suffered my 5th m/c in 2007...after having so many of them I though I was safe so to speak....until the u/s tech informed me that it was twins that I had lost...my heart shattered into a million pieces.

Jed and I had decided to wait 6 months min until ttc again so we could 'mourn' our babies and move forward positivily. I cried my eyes out when my pg didnt arrive at 28 days...NOOOOOO....I didnt want this baby...I wasnt ready yet. We had DTD only once that month and were careful not to do it when I was o'ing (yeah spot on more like it) and bango .....i tried to get excited......i felt like I was living a fib cause I was telling everyone how happy I was but inside I felt nothing.
I must admit I got excited when 3 u/s confirmed a girl....then my life was torn apart when with one week to go we were told that our girl was actually a boy I hated my baby at that point.....hated that I had to now re introduce this baby as a boy to his autistic brother who took months to 'program' into the whole baby girl thing, hated my baby because I had to totally redo my bedroo situation and hated my baby for how sick he was making me feel.

Fast forward to his birth when he was Nicu when the tables turned....I blamed myself for what had happened to him.....my lack of love for him is what I saw as what had made him sick. My rejection of him. I had even sat there and though how much easier it would have been if he wasnt here with us .

I made a big point of Bfing him to gain a bond, to show him that I could love him.....I fought every min of the day to gain the relationship I should have had with him and I asked for his forgiveness.

It was when we were transferred to Melbournes Children's hospital 2 weeks later that it really kicked in that I washis mum and how selfish I was being. Our love an dbond really blossomed and I know this sounds stupid but I think it was ment to happen for a reason.....those 3 weeks together, just he and I would never have happened if we were at home...it gave me the chanch to know my son and to love him.

I cringe at how I felt but in the same light it has bought me to were I stand now....M and i share a special unbreakable bond of love, respect and cuddles. I would have to say the journey he and I have taken to gether in his short life so far have made us closer than I am with any of my other children.

So no...your not the only one.....life moves forward and I think these things are etched out for us to learn about ourselves.