Am I doing the right thing?? Could turn into a looong vent!

[bjrose]

DD1 is 7. Will be 8 in April. She's driving me insane!!
Basically she's a **** stirrer. Stirs the crap outta her brother & sister non stop!

I've said to her sooo many times, STOP! Re DS - When he's crying he doesn't want you to do it! So stop!! Her response...But I like it when he cries! WTF?? What person says this? Why would anyone like to hear someone cry??

She does it to me. She knows she drives me nuts & I really think she enjoys it!
We have a lounge in the family room, all foam, modular in 4 pieces. She is always swinging off the end one & moving it around when I tell her over & over again to please stop.

Jumping on our new lounge that we've had about 2 weeks. We don't have much new. We are lucky to have that. I've been waiting a few years now for a lounge, coz every time we got enough money, there was always something else...

So anyway, every time i leave the room I almost always walk back in to see her either doing what she's been told not too, or she'll stop & look at me sheepishly like she knows its wrong & that she just got busted, but has a grin on her face that I really think says 'screw you mum'.

I dread every single weekend. We are only just coming to the end of Saturday & I'm over it. The weekend is only 2 days & I can't stand having her home for 2 whole days!!

I just gave them dinner & after her again jumping on the lounge, then stirring DD2 til she's in tears again I sent her to bed. She reckons she's starving, I tell her too bad. Til she learns to listen to me, I won't listen to her.

So she starts trying to get my attention. Calling out to DD2 to go in there to get her to make her a sandwich. I tell DD2 to ignore her.

Then she opens her window, up on her bed (high off the ground outside) & leans on the gause so DD2 & DS can see her through the loungeroom window. After yesterday explaining what will happen if she does that & falls!! If I could move her bed I would, but trust me, its impossible coz of the way her room is. If I did there's plenty more furniture for her to climb on.

So DS goes in there, & twice I hear him crying, before the 3rd time he comes running out to me.

What do I do?? I just shut her door, but I heard her open the window again. So tempted to just leave her a mattress on the floor & nothing else in her room!!

Would you leave her to carry on about being starving hungry & hope she falls asleep?

I've said I don't want to hear it & I don't care a couple of times, of course this gets dramatised into 'so you don't care about me then! You just hate me!'
Of course trying to get her to understand that, no, this is what happens when you are in trouble. I've asked you to do this & that today & you refused over & over to do it. I asked you to stop this or that over & over & you kept doing it.

I'm so over it!

[JwithJ]

dont really have any advice but to u i know how frustrating it can be especially from the sister side

[Epacris]

Oh Skye, I have no experience of what you're going through and no advice, but I just have to send you some calming, warming energy and plenty of hugs.

[prama]

skye - so sorry hun.. i dont have any advise on how to solve this..
would reverses psychology work? if she jumps on the lounge, tell her to go ahead and do it and its good shes having fun and then maybe she'll realise she'snot getting the reaction from you she hoped..to get you upset?
i dunno just a guess..

[Lulu]

Ok, so just going off this post, I think that maybe your liddle miss has got into a cycle of behaviour where she goes for the negative attention kwim?

I notice with my lot, across their ages, is if they feel they aren't getting enough attention, they go for the negative because they know (or feel) they are going to get it. You can't ignore a child teetering off the couch can you? It's a look at meee mum, look at meeeeeee!

I'm certainly not saying you don't give her enough because a) it's hard with 3 kids on your own b) some kids just neeeeeed more to fill them up and c) it can be hard to distribute you attention evenly - I mean if one is sick or TT'ing that takes up a little more from the rest.

So Miss 7 is the oldest? Can you put her 'in charge' of one or two things? Remind her she is the oldest and therefore gets to stay up 20 min later than the others etc? Compliment the hell out of her (over and above what you usually do) till she settles down just a bit.

Have mum and me time - to the exclusion of the other two (when in bed maybe?) Maybe share a hot choc and a girly goss? Help her find her place in the family as the oldest (the very first baby) and tell her stories of what a wonderful baby she was and how much you love her - really lay it on until she feels a little more secure.

For tonight. I'd leave her in her room (maybe chuck in a sandwich ) and too bad, so sad. She has been disobedient and you need to save your sanity a little. And the other 2 are watching...

XOXOXOXO

[Marlene]

I think Lulu has given some great advice.

I just wanted to add...the next time she climbs on that bed and presses against the screen you need to remove the bed from the room. If she climbs on something else, remove that too! It's very dangerous. If she ends up with an empty bedroom, so be it.

If you threaten anything, go through with it or she will never take you seriously.

Give her lots of attention, kisses, cuddles and praise when she is being good.

Any chance at all of some one on one time? Anyone that could watch the other two kids even for an hour? Maybe let her stay up late occasionally, after the others have gone to bed and watch a movie with her.

[jasp]

Good advice from the others...

I agree with Marlene, if she ends up with an empty room, so be it. I know someone who did this with their DD (a bit older) & it did work wonders. In this case though it's a safety issue more than anything.
I think in the case of attention seeking behaviour the idea is to not react to that behaviour - so that means if she is doing something dangerous, don't have a discussion about it, just make sure she can't do it. You can talk it over later when things are calmer.

I do a LOT of talking - later - when everyone has settled down a bit.
Trying to get her to understand consequences when she is upset & in the middle of those consequences doesn't always work...wait until later (or in the morning if need be) give her a hug & have a chat then.

One on one time is good because even if it doesn't make any difference to her behaviour (and it very well might) at the very least it lets her know you love her, and gives you both something nice between the two of you instead of just yuck & stress.

Maybe it's an age thing. DS2 is seven, and he's driving us all nuts atm (although in his case, I put it down to a new baby).
So, I sympathise. I think you're doing great, it's not easy, just remember - it's not forever

[bjrose]

Your so right Trillion. Its so hard. It's hard on both the girls. Jesse just demands so much of my time, coz he's such an attatched baby. He spent the first 8 months of his life with noone but me, so is very very attatched to me. Makes things so hard & I can really see how hard it must be on the girls to see that. And DD1 is the only one at school, so the others get to stay home etc.

Its really really hard to find that time for her. I had to start sending her to bed at 8, coz she was just too tired if she went at 8.30. DD2 usually goes to bed around the same time these days. DS on the other hand will often still be fighting me after 10 pm! Then will wake between 7.30 & 8, the same as the girls. But maybe her going to bed a little later than DD2 will help.

The girls are so competitive, I usually do everything exactly the same for them. I don't have much choice. They are both so jelouse of eachother. If DD2 get something while DD1 is at school, she know's if she tells DD1 she gets upset & DD1 does similar.

Kids! We had a bad day. I'm probably more sensitive coz AF turned up today, I'm a bit stressed about all the flooding, coz mum & dad were sposed to take me to town so I could buy food, but they are flooded in & I only got enough to get us through tomorrow, maybe monday if I really push it. & its hard with noone at all to help out & give you a break.
So I don't think my sensitivity would've helped matters

Aah...I'll have a big talk to her tomorrow while doing yet another egg removal & we'll see how we go.

ETA - I have noone to take the others at the moment. Mum & dad are just that little bit too far away, & mum works 6 - 7 days a week. All my friends here have their own babies & Jesse wouldn't dare let me leave him with one of them for 5 minutes!

I'm going to see how we go. If she does get up on the bed like that again it might have to come out. I was going to do that last year when she kept pulling the top mattress off her bed, putting it up against the wall & window & jumping from her chest of drawers onto it! I left her sleeping on the base of her ensemble for weeks coz I was scared of her or one of the others going through the window!

[kawazuki]

hun its not easy, and your doing a great job.
its a tough age aswell, she is prob trying to find out who "she" is in society and also at home.

being the oldest is sometimes hardest, they say the middle child has it worse, but from my experience its the eldest, as so much is expected of them, to always be the one to set the right example or to be mature and help out.

i find DS who is 9, responds really well to one on one time, its hard to do but when he gets even 20 min a week he is more receptive to us, i know i have it easier because i have hubby here, but maybe thats what she is missing as well all the kids at school talk about daddy, so maybe a phone call when the others are quiet where they can have a chat and talk about daddy daughter things, i know his job makes it hard for him aswel and him being so far away is a strain on everyone no doubt.

but remember your doing a great job.

we also find if we follow through with our threats DS soon learns we arent just saying it and he changes his attitude. like the other week he was lying and being rude and arguing over everything and not listening so he didnt go camping, now we only have to say keep it up boy and you will miss out again, he sulks for 10 min then comes out an dis fine.

he has had x box, ds, tv, computer, toys taken off him and then he has to earn them back with good behaviour and love and affection ( he isnt a very affectionate person usually )

remember she is picking up on your stress aswell.

DS TTing is hard aswell as you need to be there more for him.

maybe set the younger 2 up with a movie and take DD1 outside for a bit of girly time or some craft stuff, maybe she can help with your buisness your starting?

[bjrose]

Thanks. To all of you. I'm exhausted already.
Trying to keep my cool... They are stuck inside too. Not helping.

[kawazuki]

set up stations, colouring, bubbles in a bnucket in the kitchen, and sonething else they like, then go and te;ll then 20 min at each one, help them all one on one so they all get the special mummy time, and will help to start teaching ds mummy has to leave him for a bit for his sisters

[Lulu]

S'ok hun, give them raincoats and gumbies and let them run amok outside if you can.

[bjrose]

I'm just letting them go in the family room atm. I'll clean around them & worry about that later! Since they are getting along & there is no fighting right this second!

[cindyb]

My niece is the same age and driving her mum crazy too! She is an only child though with a single mum and she knows exactly what strings to pull!

I would most definately keep pointing out that she is the big sister and how important that is in the family but also, I would be pulling anything she climbs on in her room straight out of there and then explain that she needs to earn them back! Its a hard age! Hormones atart to kick in and they arent sure of who they are anymore!

Good luck!