16yo niece staying over with 17yo boyfriend......

[~Leasha~]

Oh I feel so prudish and hypocritical but here goes...

I don't think I'm ok with my 16yo niece staying over with her 17yo boyfriend... in the same bed...

Some background... her mum has no issue with it. He regularly stays there, they sleep in the same room behind closed doors, and she stays at his place (his parents place) too. SIL just says "oh I was doing it at that age" and put her in the pill.

But I am just really torn and in a bit of a moral quandary.

On one hand:
She is my niece, not my daughter, and if her mum has no issue then why should I?And yes, I was once 16, and I lied to my parents about where I was and who I was with and what I was doing, so its not like she's not out lying about it. And at least she will be here, and not out drunk at a party being taken advantage of, right? I mean, I knew I was gay by the time I was 16, so its not like teenagers aren't aware of sexuality.

On the otherhand:
I just find myself being so uncomfortable with it.
And on the first hand I feel dumb for being so uncomfortable about it.
But it just isn't sitting right.

And I'm not sure if its because my niece is my niece and it's like her growing up and becoming sexual (its a bit like watching my sister becoming sexual and feeling the need to protect KWIM). And if I should just 'get over it' (lol).


I need some... I don't know LOL! What do you think? I don't want a debate because I am in a serious pickle here, because I want to stand up and say NO, if you both want to stay then separate rooms please, but that is going to cause a serious argument between Shel and I as we are both very opposite on this. So I want to really think about and work out how I feel and if it is truly something I feel is morally wrong and something I want to make a stand on or if I'm just being a dumbhead...

Eeeek!

I think too much.

[olive]

your house your rules hun!! id feel exactly the same if it were my neice!

[[M]umma[M]ia]

in my house, i wouldnt feel comfortable them sleeping in the same room.

but that being said, if they want to have sex, they will just go somewhere else to do it. ALso, i had moved in with my current DP by the age of 16, having sex and hay, i turned out just fine

[diannescruffy]

I agree totally, if they are staying in my house, no matter what the mum says it would be definately seperate rooms. If they are staying under my roof they would need to obide by my rules. Actually thinking about it I wouldn't allow the boyfriend to be staying over in the first place. There is no way known my daughter would be staying at her boyfriend's house and vice versa. All the best with this, you really are in a pickly. Hope it all works out.

Regards,
Dianne

[Manhattan]

I dont think you are being a prude (or a dumbhead!) at all. They are both so young, and i think that staying at each others houses, let alone in the same bed is a massive step. I feel the same way you do, and I would prob go even further out on a limb and say no to sleepovers full stop at their age(now who's the prude!?)

I agree with the other posters, that its your house and your rules. And if she has any ounce of respect for you, then she will do as you wish.

Good luck hun, hope it all worls out for the best x

[**Sunshine**]

i was 16 wehn i started going out with DF we were never allowed to sleep in the same room so it lead to us going elsewhere to DTD including, parks, in the car etc etc....
while i get the my house, my rules concept, I also would think about - where are they going to be most safe..... JMO

[*becstar*]

Leasha I think there's a difference between feeling uncomfortable and not allowing it IMO. What I mean is as a mother I can't imagine EVER being comfortable about it, but you'd just have to deal with it yk?

Lets face it, most of the time we don't like to think of (or imagine) ANYONE DTD....Mum and Dad, Sister and DP etc......in your house. I know I don't, it makes me uncomfortable.

But given her Mum is ok with it I would just bit my lip and go with it. And put it down to it just being an uncomfortable train of thought about anyone....not just your niece.

HTH.

[Pony]

Your house your rules but it's Shel's house too - that's a dilly of a pickle hey.

Do you really think that it's immoral? Or is it just because it's your niece and it's hard to think of your little niece being sexual? If it was my niece would you think it was wrong?
What would happen to your relationship with your niece if you were to tell her to sleep in a differant room? Are you prepared to risk a big teenage tanty if you put your foot down? Will it erode her trust in you?

[squidipa]

Hope you find a solution soon sweet

[Rouge]

I can't judge the situation because I met my husband at 15 we started having a physical relationship at 16 and we've been together ever since. I don't know how I'd feel at that age.

If it were me I would try and remove all my filters and ask myself the question again. (basically what bron said )

[~breeze~]

I had my nephew & his girlfriend stay over (cant remember exactly how old they were though, they may have been 18??) We let them stay in the same room as they stayed at each others houses all the time & they're going to be "doing it" so to speak anyway, I thought at least if we allow them to sleep in together then they may not feel the need to get physical IYKWIM but if we kept them apart they'd want to do it even more. Does that make sense?

My nephew started being sexually active at 14 yrs old. My sister made sure he always had condoms on him & let him stay at his girlfriends house & her stay there. She did keep them in different rooms for a long time but would sneak out through the night & catch them in the lounge room together LOL. The girlfriends mum let them sleep together at her house.
Kids grow up waaaaaaaaaay too fast. Sex is so over-rated IMO!

[~Leasha~]

Ok, had some time in the sun to think...

(Thanks everyone for things to think about )

Yeah... well, I can't really say its immoral because I don't know whats going on in their heads, I don't know what they feel for each other so I guess i just have to assume they're doing it because they love each other ... which woldn't be immoral.
And I do have to trust her judgement of the situation.

So no, ok I don't think its immoral.


And I don't want her to not stay here as she asked to, so she can spend time with Jazz, which is i guess a fairly mature thing to do considering they could be going out anywhere else really (he has his P's). And they are welcome here. He is a good boy (lol), is a year into a trade apprecticeship, and has done nothing but treat her with respect, so I have no issue with him here. Jazz loves playing with him lol and pulling his leg hairs LMAO.

I also don't want them to think I am prudish, as I have a really good relationship with her, and she has talked to me about ALOT, so yes I haven't said anything because I wasn't sure what I was even feeling KWIM? Don't want to ruin the trust we have built together, and her to think she can't come to me with things, as thats the relationship we have.

I'm also a bit annoyed that neither asked if it was ok if he stayed too, it was like they assumed that they are a package deal, so they never bothered asking. That got my back up a bit (and I got AF yesterday morning so I am a bit crabby at the moment, lol).


I think in a word it could be described as confronting. My little niece is growing up... it is hard! Almost as hard as watching my little sister and brother grow up and becoming sexual. *sigh* lol

[Abb34]

If your not comfortable with it say no. My ex partner and i once stayed at my nana's house and stayed in seperate rooms as i new she would not approve as we were not married. I respected her values as it was her house and would expect anyone staying with me to do the same.

[rachel6188]

i hope you find a answer leash...hope wether he stays or not you all have a great time and jazz enjoys herself.
take care leash and hope your ok hun
rach xox

[Lulu]

Took me awhile to ponder this one

* they sleep together at home anyway. Her mum thinks its ok (hhmmm)
*it doesn't mean they will be 'doing it' in your house
*he is a good boy and treats her with respect - they may even have enough respect for YOU, not to do it in your house (I was like that at that age), without you having to ask them not too ( at the thought of Leash trying that)
*you would probably rather she had a good relationship and slept in the same room, that a yuk one with a nasty ass boy that slept on your couch - yeah?

I do think it might be a good idea to let her know she needs to ask if he can come along - that's the real world no matter how old you are, and I don't like the whole 'package' thing at that age, I like them to have their own lives apart from the BF..but that might just be me.

Anyhoo..thats my splintered thoughts...

[~Leasha~]

Originally Posted by Lulu

they may even have enough respect for YOU, not to do it in your house (I was like that at that age), without you having to ask them not too ( at the thought of Leash trying that)

LMAO, I could tell them we have a no-sex policy... we would be practicing what we preech lmao!

[AngelPunks]

ok a couple of thoughts

I'd probably sit her down and explain that you have issues with not being asked if he could stay over. I'd also explain that you do feel uncomfortable about them sleeping together under your roof, but you're aware that both sets of parents allow it. Let them know your reasons why you're uncomfortable or have issues, let them know that you don't want them to feel uncomfortable in your house or to stop visiting. You may find that they respect your view of this and either not sleep in the same bed or he may not sleep over.

Good luck with it all.

My mother wouldn't let my boyfriend's stay over even when I moved back home in my 20s. She was also horrified when she found out her son (who was in his LATE 20s) was living with his now wife (they've been married 34 years this year), when they were in the UK, before they got married.

[ausgirl]

Originally Posted by AJP

your house your rules hun!! id feel exactly the same if it were my neice!

Yep what she said ^