Motherhood and identity - how does it impact on LTTTC?

[farmgirl77]

Hi all,
Over the past few days I've been reflecting on, and struggling with LTTTC and how women define their roles in society, and what that means for my identity if we are not succesful in having a child. From my perspective I guess that despite women being more career orinentated, independent etc etc, it certainly seems that we are still very much defined by our role (or expected role) of being a mother. I guess I think of social catch up with friends - women still look after the kids, men go and do what they do, one of the first questions that women are asked by people they meet is 'do you have kids', and certainly in rural locations (generalisation I know), social networks are primarily established through mothers group, kinder, school etc etc. I guess that DH and I are not DINK's - our values seem to have resulted in us having a network of friends that are family orientated.

So given my perceptions, I struggle to see where I will 'fit' in this type of society/network if we are unable to have children.

So given this experience, I'm wondering how people on the LTTTC journey reconsile their identity in this type of a society where motherhood is so strongly a core element?

I hope that this ramble makes sense!

FG

[poppyfairy]

I found that hanging around with other DINKS has helped for me. After five years of TTC, I am getting to the point where I can imagine a childless future. I have to admit though that getting away from the heavily 'family' based culture of suburban Australia did help in this (we had lived in a rural town in Queensland and the suburbs in Brisbane). We moved to London last year and when I think about it we have met lots of people around the same age as us who also have no children. People with children also exist here of course but we seem to not run into them much!

[dusty]

Hi FG

I have only just seen your OP. Rushing to get to work ATM but I wanted to share a great book I read a couple of years back that helped me understand the range of options for defining motherhood, being a woman and to think about the impacts of modern life on defining being a woman and so forth. Its called "Wonder Woman - The myth of having it all" by Virginia Hausseger. I feel just about every woman's story is in here. It made me cry at first but I found as the stories unfolded that I realised I am not alone and that there is something big going on with modern life and women's role in it. I lent my copy out otherwise I would send it to you.

Would be a good topic for the Social Group discussion too (you come up with great ones ).

xx

[farmgirl77]

Poppyfairy - that is an interesting cultural observation re your move to London and that there not having kids is more the 'norm' than having them! It would make a nice change to Aust culture. Wishing you all the best for your journey and hope that a childless future is not what is in store for you - someone needs to buck the UK trend and it might as well be an Aussie!

Dusty - thanks for the book recommendation - I'll go and seek it out from the library. Happy for this to be a social group discussion - am really interested in what people are thinking.

[Lenny]

FG - I think a lot of LTTTC women go through these thoughts. When I discussed it with my DH he didn't really seem to get it - he saw his life/role being exactly the same either way. He still wanted to live in the burbs, go to work each day, walk the dog etc. I felt totally different, like all of what I was doing in life hinged on eventually adding children to the picture.
It's a very interesting topic and it is something that makes LTTTC a very emotional and individual journey for everyone.
:hugs:
Jo

[Possums]

Farmgirl- it's a really interesting subject... I also found that my DH had said if we didn't have kids, he would be sad, but would get over it and be OK and life would go on... me on the other hand, found it a hard concept to come to terms with...how would life be if I couldn't have children.
Being on the LTTC rollercoaster for a longtime is therefore so very tiring for so many women especially. This site has opened my eyes up so much more to the struggles people go through and given me much more empathy. take care.

[Ellie]

Hi FG

I totally hear you!

Our LTTTC journey lasted 10 years. In that time I threw myself into my career as I figured if I wasn't going to be a mum I was at least going to be the boss! What I found though, was it didn't change the longing to be a mum.

On reflection, I can see a few huge turning points that happend for me along the way. Initially I struggled with my identity...was I going to be a career woman or a mum? I would make decisions based on 'but we might have a baby' and tried to run two parallel lives...planning one with kids and one without...and all this around the impact of IVF/ICSI. Overtime we had less and less to do with our friends who had kids and I dreaded family events as it reminded me of what may never be.

Then late last year I had a 'light bulb' moment and my thinking shifted, as though the two lives I was preparing for became one. I accepted that 'this' is my life...with or without children it is a journey...and I'm on it! So we've taken this year out as a working holiday and exploring other options for our life...I am now defined by who I am as a result of the life journey I've had...and at that point of letting go...and a great night of yummy food and gorgeous wine...we fell pregnant????

So now I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I really could be a mum...and soon...and after 10 years of grief and accepting that it was probably never going to happen...it's just...bizarre. I still have that little voice in the back of my mind that is running the 'planned' journey for 2008...just in case it's all a dream and I wake up...I just hope that when I do wake up it's with this baby in my arms.

Hang in there...it's a tough, long road...I wish you all the luck in the world!

[MargOZ]

This is such a tough road to be on. I have friends who are now in their 50's and who chose not to have children for different reasons. Two never met Mr Right, the other doesn't really say why, and the other just never felt maternal at all so had her tubes tied in her 30's.

Unfortunately I well and truly feel the maternal instincts calling! I certainly always expected to find Mr Right and have a family (I always wanted 6 kids!!!!!! ). And yet now I'm almost at the stage where my chance of becoming a mum is over. I still shake my head some days and wonder how on earth I got here!!!

I REALLY struggle with the whole 'moving on' from motherhood thing. I want it so much and yet the last four years of living on a fertility rollercoaster have left me totally exhausted. So there is a part of me that just wants it to be all over and move on one way or the other. I wonder then if my quality of life will actually improve, because at the moment every decision still revolves around making a baby! I don't want to plan things too far ahead, I don't want to spend too much money, I'm always conscious of trying to lose weight and get healthier in case that improves my chances. I want to be a mum so badly but I am SO TIRED!!!

Anyway, I'm rambling on here!!!! So in summary I guess I'm not quite ready to move on just yet but I think I've gone from the thought that I'll be totally devastated and unable to go on with life if I don't become a Mum - to being able to start thinking about what else is out there for me if it doesn't happen, as hard as that is going to be.

I certainly wouldn't wish this heartbreaking journey on any woman.

Marg

[dusty]

This is such an interesting and senstive topic that we would like to explore it a bit more.

Farmgirl has allowed us to post her question in the LTTTC Social Group forum if you would like to contribute there.