BW's rules for the family who wants to be supportive

[Kahlan]

Dear all,

Time has lapsed since Sushee's post but since I am new I have been reading through some very old post/threads.

Hubbie and I come from a very large family. My hubbie is the youngest of 10 children and I one of 4. So you can imagine when the two family gather, we have over 40 people. We have both good and bad experiences with our families.

When we finally were put on IVF I did the stupid thing and told my brother in law at a family gathering that we have now decided to go through IVF. Next thing I knew he announced to everyone that hubbie and I were expecting a baby. My nephew and nieces came to congratulate me. I felt so horrible and had to explain to them that was not the case.

Our first attempt was unsuccessful. It was after Christmas that I found out. I was completely heart broken and told my hubbie to call his mother and tell her the news and that we wouldn't be coming to the family camp. I also requested that no-one speak to me about it because it would only hurt me more. I think this did the trick because no-one said a word when the family next meet. I think, it scared them too because it is very unusual for me to make such requests (I have always been the obliging, quiet member of the family and always go out of my way to make everyone happy). I had a lot of hugs and "we love you" which was very comforting. The wonders of quiet empathy!

By our 3rd attempt, we had run out of money (my hubbie had quit his job to do further study before we knew that we had problems). When his family found out we were short of money, they all chipped in which enabled us to go through another cycle. I know...I am so very fortunate..

There is one thing about family dynamic that I would like to share with you all today. I have always been the supportive one to my mother and sisters. I found that this role did not switch when I was going through hell with my failed cycles. This has caused me to stop calling my mother. Honestly I don't think I have the strength to carry two lots of worries, mine and my mother. I find it doubly painful when I told my mother my "bad news" and having my mother continued talking about her arguments with her friends...etc.

[alioops]

Kahlan some families really do need these rules hey

BW - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! only 6 months to go!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LizzieP]

Sorry all - but it's time for a bit of an emotional purge. Just ignore me if I am sounding too whiny or grumpy. I just had egg pick up yesterday and I am a real hormonal tornado. Apologies again. Although I must say this has been very cathartic...

Thou shalt NOT tell me to stop worrying because stress has a negative impact on an IVF cycle. I already know this!!! Please be patient with me when I say I really am doing the best I can. I appreciate your concern and I am trying a whole range of things to "chill" but this IS a roller coaster ride and I don't particularly like roller coasters.

Thou shalt NOT, as a medical professional, make me feel that I am asking too many questions about the IVF process and the changes in my body especially when I have fears about Ovarian Hyper Stimulation.

Thou shalt not discuss IVF in front of me as if I am not there and then proceed to give me advice having not done a cycle before. Please...just let me have a little time to tell my story the way I am experiencing it.

Thou shalt be compassionate like my work colleagues by encouraging IVF patients to take leave when they need it. (I am very lucky)!

Thou shalt have a wonderfully supportive partner who goes to the chemist late to buy heat packs and who brings you dinner in bed when you're feeling crappy. (And who also tells you really inappropriate jokes that never fail to make you laugh).

[grub17]

hi all,
this is my first post, i only just discovered this site today.

but just thought i'd share my experience thus far: bit of background for context... we are at our egg collection stage of our very first cycle. we don't live anywhere near our families due to work location.

We have told none of our family or friends what is happening. That is just the way it has to be because of the commandment list! I'm from a small rural area and if my mum knows, everyone knows.

So if i tell her and not my friends there will be issues.

Everyone knows we have to do ivf but we weren't plannign to start until next year sometime. so we just remain vague if asked and no one is really asking. the other reason for keeping it quiet is that it doesn't become the be-all focus for us, we have to engage with our families normally and that's good for our sanity i think.

Then there's the other commandment i'd like to submit "THOU shall not constantlly chirp on about how, if I am lucky, I'll probably have twins or triplets because all IVF babies are such". eerr, go to te back of the class.

I would just like to add, finally, that i love our family an I realise that they mean well and love us and only want us to be happy. they are uninformed and clueless but i know they mean well so that is why i feel i couldn't ever post the commandments to them. I think while we all understand it, I don't think my folks would. They'd just be hurt. but that's just my relationship with them which is usually very close and everyone's different.

So there's something to be said for 'flying under the family/friend radar' but then again we don't have much support when/if it goes pear shaped.

thansk for listening.

[SeaChange]

I thought of another one - don't know if has already been mentioned...

If you have been included in critical information THOU SHALL NOT pass on information to a third person without the express permission of the IVF couple (particularly if it is someone outside the intimate circle of family and friends).

This causes stress to said IVF couple who have to run around making sure that their intimate circle of family and friends have been informed, when they may not necessarily have wanted to inform them.

(Grrr Dad - gosh I hope that this does not get mentioned at the baptism tomorrow).

[Samandpoppy]

Hi Guys,
So good these suggestions. I have one to add for friends and aquaintances:

* The most appropriate response is "oh, bummer" and then closely followed by "are you OK, do you need anything" then shut mouth for 5 minutes, this has the same affect as actually listening.

* Thou shall not say anything to the effect of "at least you already have one child"or "be thankful for that". This process has made me more thankful,and more sad, than you will ever know. If you say that again, to anyone, you forfeit the right to your second born, I will do a great job raising him or her.

* Also I forever claim the right to lecture anyone over the age of 35 who says they are waiting until they get married, get more money, get taller, grow wings, etc etc before TTC, as I know about this particular heart break and you don't, so nerrr!

Also to the naiive cousin.

* if I ever again hear that you are putting off having children right now (you are 36 and should know better) because a baby would interfere with your fun social life right now, maybe in a few years, you will give up the right to my rich Aunts inheritance!

Bit bleak I know, I am a nice person sometimes!

[Mindhugs]

Wow - I am so glad that I came across this thread. It's made me feel as though my emotions over my sister are normal.

She has clearly told several people about my infertility, including her beautician. And if I have to hear one more time "just adopt, my friend did and she's so happy now" I think I will fly down to Sydney and strangle her.

Put the icing on the cake was when she told me before xmas that she had finally thrown out the cot and change table she had been keeping aside for me for all these years, as it's time to move on..........that was a tough one and brought out a lot of emotion from me.

But I also love it when sisters, sister-in-laws and mother-in-law all insist on telling me and DH what we SHOULD be doing to fall. They're all such experts on endometriosis. And they know of someone who tried this, and someone who tried that. Oh, and have we tried this. NO we are obviously stupid and haven't researched or tried a thing.

I know they are not devoid of emotion and understanding, but they just don't back down. I'm too scarred to tell any of them that we are weeks away from our first IVF cycle.

BW - your "Thou shalt not..." statements are priceless. With your permission I may use modified versions of them in need.

[butterfly_warrior]

Go for it, SK. I'm in Sydney and would happily volunteer to strangle your sister for you if it becomes necessary. You'd think they'd start to get it with time, but it never seems to happen.

Hang in there - the end result is so worth it!

BW

[Samandpoppy]

BW
Was very amused by your offer! ha. Thank goodness for my brother, who just said oh, bummer. what a great man.

[Possums]

what a great thread...great points. I have a great family but it's others around me who hit me with the stupid insensitive comments.
I am still getting the "it will happen when you arent thinking about it, you just need to relax and put it out of your mind"...yeh right.