Long Term Assisted Conception - 2009 #4 - Pregnancy, Birth & Baby Forums ~ BellyBelly

~BecD~ · #1 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 03:54 PM

im here. dont know how to write any of this without crying. Have just spent two nights in hospital heavily sedated for pain and panic attacks. At Day 3 we had 9 embryos at 6-8 cell, with 4 just lagging behind. This is after having 33 eggs at EPU. At Day 5 we had none. No blastocysts. No embryos. They checked again on day 6 to make sure that none had caught up but there was no growth.

I just went through the most agonising experience - again - for nothing.

Loula · #2 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 04:10 PM

Bec, i am sorry sorry for your recent news, I dont know what to say. I guess they have let you out of hospital now, but you will still need to rest and recover.

Can i ask what dose of stims they are putting you on? colleting so many is not working for you (or anyone really as there are many risks) have you had a follow up with your FS to discuss your concerns?

Thinking of you tonight, i know that doesnt help heal, but please take it easy.

SeaChange · #3 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 04:35 PM

Welcome to Long Term Assisted Conception forum. This forum is for those that have been undergoing Assisted Conception for 12 months or more.

Your Moderating/Admin team for this forum are as follows:

Sarah_H Admin
Rouge Admin

SeaChange Moderator
dusty Moderator
Lenny Moderator

To contact any of the above, please see this post.

If you have any issues/problems with this forum feel free to email any of the above moderators who will be happy to assist you. All emails will be treated confidentially.

Just a reminder to all: all LTers love seeing a fellow LTer achieve that longed-for BFP, and we all find hope in one of our own having success in this difficult journey. But please remember that there are those who cycled with you who may not have received good news at the end of their cycle. Please do not post baby/child/pg tickers or pg related signatures (eg blinking BFP icons) etc in this forum out of respect for them.

As it's easy to forget to remove your ticker, please be advised that we will remove it for you if it's posted in here. Makes it easier, that's all.

The last thread is HERE

SeaChange · #4 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 04:50 PM

Bec I am so sad to read your thread.

I have moved it here so that people do not have to search back to the previous thread (please look below).

Sending

Be gentle with yourself.

buliej · #5 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 04:53 PM

Oh Bec - I am so sorry to hear this - how devastating. This journey is very, very cruel at times. I do agree that it is time to talk to your FS about going for fewer eggs. Also, do they know why they didn't make it to blast? Please take care of yourself - you have been through so much physically and emotionally.

MsPink · #6 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 05:04 PM

Haven't been on for ages...sadly, nothing new with me.

Just wanted to say hi...

Julie and Bec - am so sorry for you both..

Goodluck to all you lovelies cycling..

mummy2chloe · #7 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 06:01 PM

oh bec, my heart is just breaking for you

this is so unfair and cruel

thinking of you hun xxxx

wouldloveabubba · #8 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 07:50 PM

Bec

Thinking of you, and so sad to read your results. I hope you are able to regain strength very soon.

Dutchie80 · #9 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 08:40 PM

I'm truely very sorry to hear of your news Bec. I know how heartbreaking and unfair not getting to TF is, it's very harsh.
Please look after yourself, this journey is so taxing it's important to take time to grieve and heal.
I'm thinking of you

Hollybolly · #10 (**permalink**) August 19th, 2009, 08:54 PM

Oh Bec, sweetheart I am just so, so sorry

There are no words than can even begin to help right now I know, but please know we are all holding out our arms to catch you everytime you feel like falling down xoxoxo

Please be gentle on yourself & take the time you need to heal emotionally because we all know how it takes its toll

I'm with the other girls in terms of dosages for next time, but of course I appreciate thats hard to think about right now.... all of my love xxx

Lou - Hunny - big big

for you too.....

Lots and lots of love & hugs through this thread tonight xoxoxoxoxo

~BecD~ · #11 (**permalink**) August 20th, 2009, 01:32 PM

Loula - I was on 225iu gonal-f and was using orgalutran to prevent ovulation. My body responds very differently each time, last time i had severe ohss with 20 eggs, this time no ohss with 33 eggs but bad pain in diaphram from the egg collection. my ovaries were huge - three times normal size, and the clinic are confused about how i respond to treatment. I think we are done. I really believe so, we dont have any cash/credit left, and i couldnt handle another disappointment like this.

Am out of hospital and back to work, i have exhausted all my sick leave so have to be here.

My depression has come back with a vengeance and Im not feeling well, so I am trying my best to just keep going with everything. I cant think about IVF or babies or anything right now, it hurts too much.

Have an appt with embryologist and specialist for three weeks to find out what happened. Until then, who knows...

Dutchie80 · #12 (**permalink**) August 20th, 2009, 03:52 PM

Bec- No words, just many

My thoughts and prayers are with you. xx

mummy2chloe · #13 (**permalink**) August 20th, 2009, 06:53 PM

oh bec i am so so sorry, it must be so hard to be back at work aswell, it sounds like you still need sometime at home to deal with what happend with your cycle. its so devastating to put so much into a cycle and to go all the way to EPU and to have nothing to show for it, life is so unfair sometimes

is there anyone you could talk to about things? does your clinic offer a councilor (sp?) maybe sitting down and talking to someone might help? if it feels like your depression has come back it might be a good idea to talk and you know that you are more then welcome to come on here and talk to us girls. if talking doesnt help with your depression then maybe going to see your GP , he might be able to offer you some anti-depresents (sp?). you have been through so much in the last few weeks and it sounds like its all starting to catch up with you, i wish i was there right now to give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on, if you need anything feel free to PM me at anytime

please take care and i am always here to talk xxx

dusty · #14 (**permalink**) August 20th, 2009, 08:59 PM

Bec, offering you a big hug and I am sorry you had to undergo so much pain and suffering for no outcome. I hope you can get some answers and find a way forward soon. But until then be gentle with yourself. It is ok to grieve, you have experienced loss, loss that we in here understand and recognise. I wish I had some other words to offer you

Hugs to all of you, especially those doing it tough ATM

xx

Loula · #15 (**permalink**) August 20th, 2009, 10:43 PM

Bec again so sorry. x I hope being back at work is right for you. I have returned this week and although many thoughts are going through my mind and that i really dont want to be dealing with this there, i really have to be, i cant afford more time off and for why, so i can be at home letting this run through my mind over and over again? Take the time that you need. Does your work know about treatment you are going through? its one of thoese things some people discuss and others do not, i always have, but totally understand why others may not.

Julie i hope you are starting to feel a little brighter?

sorry for all the negativity lately but i cant get my head out of this dark cloud

Well i got some more results back here from some more swabs and urine test and i dont knwo if it os because of the prednisolone but they are not good. I have alwyas tested neg for these things and why not now??? it is the only connection i can make. Still waiting to try to get a D&C and pains are now starting to kick in, spotting on and off but nothing consistent. at least i can see a light with regards to finally getting these results, funny how i have been telling FS of my symptoms for years and only now someone has said, hang on lets see if this....... and thank goodness thay have. i guess the only thing is i may never be cured.

I dont know if this is the answer for us to get to the end, but i am taking it as a start, if anything it is reconfirming that i believe in myself and i know myself better than anyone, still frustrating that it has taken 7 years to get to this point and feel very let down that it was not discivered before and brushed off.

Hollybolly · #16 (**permalink**) August 21st, 2009, 07:25 AM

Bec - lots more

for you & hoping that appointment with the embryologist is here before you know it - a few answers may help as little to clear your head xxx

Lou - Hun, I know we spoke last night & I know how low you are feeling right now

Get a hold of that biologist today & hassle that FS clinic until you get what you need xxx
I know its hard to think you may never be cured... but she did the test for this one suspecting the infection & she was right... she found it so I'm sure she will do whats needed to fix it

Even if you ask to speak to her in regards to the antibiotics - and then question about the D&C from there xxxx
Let me know how you get on lovely xxx

Julie - thinking of you & hoping things are clearing a little for you xxx

As for me - I'm ready to go again, got a lovely email from my FS last night, so will be picking up my meds on Monday

AF is due Sunday or Tuesday, depending on if this turns out to be a 26 or a 28 day cycle - so I'll be starting puregon either Monday night or Wednesday night.
Really need to get over & update in my journal

Lots of thoughts & hugs for everyone in here at the moment... we all seem to be struggling & needing some encouragement on some level... we all need one of these

~BecD~ · #17 (**permalink**) August 21st, 2009, 04:54 PM

Thanks for the support guys. I did go and see a counsellor but I didn't find it useful unfortunately. I am however feeling a lot better which helps. Mentally I am just exhausted by everything but the silver lining is that I love my husband so much and all of this stuff makes me realise how happy he makes me. I guess you take what positives you can get out of it (Sorry I know that sounds sappy, but there have been some really rough times, so that really does mean a lot).

Have emailed the clinic today with questions about our cycle and making sure that they are prepared for our meeting. I want serious answers about our cycle and a potential plan for a possible future cycle.

Murray wants us to give up on ivf and focus on adoption, but the more i think about it, the more I want to try just once more in Nov/Dec. Don't know how we will get the funds but the thought lingers...

Lou - I hope you are okay. My work do know about IVF but I think they are tired of it all, this is our 9th cycle so sick of the excuses

I am sending you a huge virtual hug, you have gone through so much and I am so sorry you are dealing with this xx

Holly - I think you are right, everyone needs a hug right now. I wish we all lived closer together so we could catch up and have gentle caring hugs :-) Glad you are cycling again.

buliej · #18 (**permalink**) August 21st, 2009, 05:47 PM

Loula and Bec - you have both been in my thoughts ... I know there's not much to say, but I am thinking of you both ...

When I get really down, I tell myself that we all always come out the other end (even if it's not the "end" you imagined), it's just a matter of finding the way there...and it's always brighter than when in the middle of finding the way...pretty silly, but it helps me sometimes