Dealing with family stuff

[hierophant]

Hi all

I haven't posted much on these boards but knew it wouldn't take long before I needed some advice! My DP and I have just started the IVF process - had fantastic first counselling session and came out feeling really positive about it all. DP spoke to her mum soon afterwards who was asking about the counselling session, and DP told her one of the topics we talked about was what our child would call us (we haven't decided yet). MIL then proceeded to make a comment about me being called Mum (I'll be tummy Mum for bub#1) and DP could be known as 'aunt' particularly when the child is at school. DP is naturally devastated and I am really hurt too. Other than the occasional difficulty in calling me DP's "partner" (being old [70+] she slips in 'friend' which we grimace and ignore) she's great and we have a great relationship with her. But now we're thinking about how we can get her to understand we will BOTH be Mum, even if the name we're called differs for each of us, and that our child will have two Mums. We have no intention to hide anything from our kids and we are out and proud to everyone in our lives.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Or do others have any advice for us? It often takes the "hammer to the head" approach to get her to understand other stuff so any advice about how to get the message across more than once would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for listening :-)

[Bee84]

hi and welcome,
I am just dumbfounded as to why your partner would be called aunt. You are both legally going to be bubs parents.
I am the tummy mummy and i will be called mummy and my dp will be called mumma.
with regards to schooling on fathers day, poppy will go in. (My dp's older brother has asked why it cant be uncle's day lol) and most schools are fine with adapting things as there are alot of children out there that dont have fathers.
I think that it would be very confusing for your child if she calls her mum "aunt" it just isnt right. This is only my opinion so hopefully I havnt offened you
I think you might you to take the bull by the horns when it comes to this. Be straight and say no we are both females and both parents. We will both be mum!
As your bubba grows up they will know that they are special to have 2 luvin mums instead of 1.
We have had alot of comments also but nothing to the extent of being called aunty.
For us there was no doubt on what we would be called and how we would handle school.
Motherhood is a process that you both should experience and I know for a fact that my partner would not feel involved as a parent if she was to be called "aunty".

For our next bubba we will be using my partners egg with our same unknown donor and I will be carrying again. Due to medical reasons. My partner loves all the attention she gets and loves talking to my growing belly saying "mumma loves you very much" and "mumma cant wait to meet you"
Dont back down as your DP deserves to feel as much as a mother as anyone.

Goodluck hun and I hope you get your BFP soon.

You go and straighten out your DP's mum quick smart.


Take care and I am here if you wanna chat


XX
B

[Pish]

I hope you don't mind me coming and posting in here, but I'd just like to say that I am so sorry to hear MIL isn't very understanding. I honestly don't think she has any idea on the bond you'll BOTH have with your baby and that it will be both your baby and your partners baby!
I have no advise for you, but I wish you all the very best with your TTC journey. I hope it is a short and sticky one. As for your MIL, don't let her dishearten you or get you down in anyway, some people have no idea how insenstive they are being with things they say or do, I'm sure if you both were to tell her how she made you feel she'd be so upset she made you feel that way.
with it all. I can't wait to see your preg announcment!

[entreat]

yeah - I hope you accept my hetero-two-cents-worth... but WTF?? AUNTY?? I am actually breathless with disbelief at that one! Does she really think that or was is a thoughtless throw-away suggestion? I'd prefer neither, but I'd rather the latter.

As far as I'm aware, my girlfriends son calls them both 'mummy'.

[hierophant]

Thank you SO much for the replies. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of them.

I have calmed down a bit now but am still very hurt over what she said. But DP and I have talked about it and have decided to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later.

I am so glad I posted on here. Thanks again all

[~Leasha~]

We know just how you feel, my parents were terrible like that!!! They still have their moments but we just had to sit down and say "no, we are BOTH mum". We tried to be subtle, but sometimes you need to be as subtle as a frypan to the head.

We are both mum, mummy, mumma, whatever Jazz feels like saying. It doesn't confuse her, just as having two grandmothers doesn't confuse children.