I'm still angry

[sirenz]

It has been almost 2 years since the birth of ds and I still think about it EVERY DAY!

I am just so angry that it didn't go to plan, I had researched and researched for the whole of my pregnancy, I had the perfect birth plan written up, and yet I still ended up with a c/s and didn't bond with ds straight away.

I am angry that my body failed me and didn't go into labour naturally, I had to be induced at 42 weeks. The pain from the gel on my cervix was unbearable, it lasted over 20 hours before they broke my water. I didn't want the pain relief they kept offering me or the sleeping pills because my whole plan was to have a natural birth with no drugs!

I am angry that they kept trying to put off breaking my waters because there were too many women labouring. I was in so much pain from the gel and what made it worse was the fact that it was unproductive pain!! I wanted to be in labour and have some productive pain.

I am angry that the midwives didn't take more time to talk me thru the contractions, which started immediately after my waters were broken.

I am angry that I had no support from anyone except my husband, who was really wonderful, but lets face it, he didn't really do anything to help me (i mean, what could he do really).. but he was there thru the whole thing.

I am angry that I didn't look into hiring a doula. Silly me for thinking that the midwives would be there every step of the way.

I am angry that I requested the epidural and my husband didn't talk me out of it. I think he was in shock seeing me in so much pain.

I am angry that 6 hours after getting the epidural my ds was in distress.

I am angry that my labour couldn't progess, because my ds couldn't move down the birth canal due to being strangled with each contraction by the very thing that kept him alive thru the whole pregnancy (his cord).

I am angry that the midwives felt the need to argue over a pen when we were on the way to surgery to cut my baby out of me, not knowing if he would survive it!

I am angry that I was kinda relieved to be having a c/s seen as though I was so god damn exhausted!

I am angry that I didn't get to have skin to skin contact with my ds straight after he was born, instead the first person to really hold him close was the midwife who handed him to me after he had been check by the dr and then wrapped by the midwife.

I am angry that my dh didn't get the camera when I asked him to (when I was in labour) and therefore I have no photos of my first cuddle with ds!!

I am angry that I only got to see ds face for about 5 mins before he was taken away and I was stiched up and placed in recovery ALONE (I told dh to go with ds), meanwhile the recovery nurses were having a good old yarn about what they would be doing over the weekend!

I am angry about my feelings after the birth. I didn't want to be left alone with ds. I was too out of it to even hold him for his first day of life and that REALLY upsets me the most. He must have felt so cold and alone because his mummy was soo out of it after being injected with morphine and what ever else they gave me.

Why didn't I want to be left alone with my ds?? To this day i still don't understand why? But what I do know is that it is not normal.

I am angry that in the morning after surgery, I had a visit from an ob and his trail of flunkies (there was about 10 of them) and they all stared at me like I was some kind of freak while I vomited constantly into the spew bag and couldn't get a word out because I was too busy being sick from the morphine. Can't a women spew her guts up in peace!!

I am angry that my ds couldn't attach to feed properly, because once again, my body failed me by granting me with extremely large breasts with extremely flat nipples!

I am angry that when the midwife I had for birthing class, came in and said "see I told you that some of you in the class would end up with a c/s"

I am angry that the same midwife exclaimed she would only help me try to attach ds if I was going to keep up the breastfeeding for as long as is recommended!

I am angry that I put on a brave face for all my visitors, when instead I really wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

I am angry that my dh had to give me a shower after my surgery, because i was still out of it on morphine and I could hardly stand. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me so vulnerable and also to see how saggy my body was after having ds.

I am angry that by the time it came for me to leave, I had decided I was just going to give up bf my ds and just express full time (mainly because it seemed like a lost cause to try to attach him)

I am angry because I still hadn't bonded with ds by the time I got home from hospital (little did I know it would take almost a whole year to really fall in love with him).

I am angry that I only expressed full time for him for 8 months when in reality I would have loved to be bf him till he was ready to give it up.

I am angry, because some days I just feel like a failure, and I wonder if it would all be worth it to have another baby.

Most of all, I am angry that some days I have negative feelings towards my ds, because I simply just couldn't be bothered to be a mum on that particular day (i'm still waiting for it to feel better, just like everyone has told me it would)

There is still alot more I am angry about, but I think this will do for now. I feel mentally drained reliving the whole thing again.

Thanks for listening.

[krysalyss]

Sirenz - I am so sorry that your birth didn't go as planned and you feel this way after so long. Your feelings are totally normal and posting this is a good first step to making your way through them. Big hugs for you. Don't feel like a failure. You did what you needed to at each step of the way. It is easy to look back and think you could have done things differently but unfortunately we do need to make decisions as we go even if we have regrets afterwards.
Have you considered seeing someone in person to help you debrief your birth? It could probably help a lot. And then you can hopefully find a way to come to terms with the birth that your son had.
Big hugs again. I totally understand where you are coming from and hope you can find some peace. xo

[misskate]

wow, that was a powerful thread... im glad you shared it as there are things in there that i feel the same about... good to know you arent alone... and i hope that you feel better after writing it.

[AliB]

Sirenz, what a painfully sad and angry thread.

I feel compelled to write to say that your post it is almost word for word what my friend with 2 years straight of undiagnosed post natal depression would have written before she finally got some help. Please, if you haven't already seen someone, do so xo

[Jac]

Well I think you sound like an incredibly insightful, strong person. Many of the things you are angry about were OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Having been through the birth process twice myself, I could relate to most of what you said, even though my births were totally different to yours. Your anger, even though it was almost 2 years ago, sounds totally justified to me and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job, despite your setbacks.
I imagine, given your insight, that you are already aware of potential PND issues you may (or may not) be facing.......

[Lady Zaidie]

What a dreadful story! And what awful birth "support" you had from the hospital. I had a "told you so" midwife too: I think I could have coped with the birth if it weren't for her gloating!

You are NOT a failure. My son was taken away from me for almost two hours (I didn't think it had been that long, but the notes say differently) - I didn't even notice he wasn't around, let alone I should be missing him! That hospital and all the people therein failed you; you did a fantastic job. And you would have gone into labour had the hospital explained to you that you can just wait a few days, most women give birth at 37-42w but some take a bit longer. So long as baby is fine (monitoring for a couple of minutes would show this, or a scan) then there's no reason to induce. Of course, no-one EVER tells you that at the time, they just scare you and bully you into the induction.

Hugs to you. I hope this post is the first part of the healing process.

[sirenz]

thanks ladies for your replies. Unfortunately I didn't really feel any better after posting part of my story, but it did feel good to FINALLY write some of it down, rather than just going thru it in my mind.

Yes I did seek help almost a year ago now, I went to my dr and told her my anxiety issues were arising again (I have had anxiety disorder my whole life) and she put me on medication.. Although I didn't discuss with her my feelings about the birth. The medication has worked for some feelings but others it has not.

Also, I have found that all my friends who don't have children (which is everyone I know here except for one couple) have really abandoned me & dh. Its like they don't think they should come around or invite us anywhere anymore just because we have a baby (well he's not really a baby anymore lol)! And that really gets me down too, hence the thinking sometimes I don't want to be a mum anymore because everything has changed so much!

No one really prepares you for the changes you experience once you have a child. I miss being spontanious (sp?) and just being able to go out where ever and when ever. I miss all the energy I used to have before having a baby. I miss my pre baby body ( I was a size 8, now i'm a size 12 - 14). But in saying all this, I really wouldn't want to change a thing because then I wouldn't have my ds. He is my whole life, he is my reason for getting up in the morning and god damn it, something has to be worth all this crap!

I really want another baby, especially for ds, but in all honesty I am absolutely terrified. What happens if I feel the same after the birth of the next one?? What happens if I can't bf next time around either. I don't think I could express full time for the next one and putting my next baby on formula will just add to my guilt. There are alot of thoughts runing thru my head, but what happens if I never find out when I am ready to have another baby?? I mean when do you really know?

I find that with each day, I am getting better, but then ds will have a grumpy day (which I know they all do) and it will just make me think, I would be crazy to go thru all this again. I don't know what I want. I think I want to get a part time job, but I don't want to miss anything by leaving ds at day care (he already goes one day per week and he loves it). But on the other hand, it would be great to meet some new ppl, atm I am trying to put together a group for the area where I live for mums who have just moved here or don't have a mothers group to go to, or perhaps in my situation, all their friends have abandoned them since having children, But i am not really sure how to go about it.

anyway, now i'm rambling.

thanks once again ladies, its good to know I have support on here for when I need to vent.

[Bella29]

Dear Sirenz,

I feel your pain mate... it's just 3 1/2 months since my c/s and I think about it every day too I wake up to feed my dd and sometimes can't go back to sleep because of all the "what if I hadn't done that's", that go thru my mind.

I really want more babies. But I am going to have a home birth next time as I have no intention of ever feeling that vulnerable ever again. My DH is a Dr and doesn't like it. but it was fear that lead to almost all of the bad decisions that were made for me and by me, and I WON'T be ruled by it! As much as I love him, I think in this it may be more important to love myself and give me and my baby the best chance of a natural birth.

Good luck with your healing. As someone who has grieved for many things in my life I offer this advice :- Pain doesn't go away, but we look at it differently at different times in our lives. Never deny that it hurts, but give it space to just ... be... let it be painful, grieve what you lost, then give it space to heal... for as long as that may take. Let it slowly start to feel better. Don't apply time lines, just....let it be as long or as slow as it needs to be, let it be acknowledged for what it was and is..

I hope your healing starts soon. All my hopes for mending your broken heart.

Bella

[joey123]

I too had a very disspointing, long labour that ended in a CS. Can I VERY STRONGLY recommend that you get in touch with a place in Brisbane called Birth Talk. You're on the sunny coast, yeah? It's a long drive, but they have meetings once a month in the evening where women (and their partners should they choose to attend) discuss their traumatic births and can may be get some ideas on how to heal, even just a little bit, each month. You can go to one or one hundred meetings. I have only been to one, and I will take dh to the next one with me, but I think it was wonderful and I really think it might help you.

Also I can't beleive you expressed for 8 months. You need a medal for that. Well done honey. And I am so sorry to hear that the p!ss poor medical profession failed yet another women just wanting to birth her baby naturally.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I know just how you are feeling, and I will give you my email address.
Take care.