Why?

[Mummykins]

So yesterday was my DS2's first birthday. The few days leading up to his birthday I was feeling kinda strange about it. All the feelings I had after his birth were starting come back. I thought I'd got over them a little bit.
Anyways, yesterday I got through the daytime pretty good since I was mostly busy with his little party and all that jazz. It was good. Then last night comes around, about 45mins until the time he was born I just started crying my eyes out.
I couldn't stop. I couldn't help by look at the time. I knew exactly what I was doing, or what was happening at that time last year.
He almost died at birth... but he didn't. He's a healthy, happy little boy. So why all the tears? Whyyyyyyy? He's fine. I don't get it.
DP didn't know what to do. He just cuddled me. I wouldn't know what to do with me either if I were him.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this or if it makes any sense. It's so hard to get it out through all the mixed up feelings in my head.
Have you gone through anything like this? Does it happen each year or get better as time goes on?

It's suppose to be a wonderful day, not darkened by something that didn't happen.

Thanks for reading.
xox

[~Leasha~]

I don't have any advice I'm sorry, I'm going through the processes now, facing Jazzy's first birthday so I do know how you feel, and hope maybe I can get something from this thread too (I hope thats ok...).

[Rommy'sMummy]

Hugs to you!

Yes I have been through this. My bub was born very sick and small and his birthday was not the happy, cuddly day we wanted. It was the day my pregnancy ended and camping out by his ICU bed started for me.

His first birthday was the hardest for me I think because I wasnt expecting to react like I did (very much like your reaction). I thought I was horrid for not looking forward to it and not enjoying it. I felt selfish thinking of my own feelings on the day and not focusing on my baby actually turning one (many people didnt think he would ever do that).

BUT then I realized that it was actually an anniversary of not only his birth but the start of a very frighting time for us. We also had another anniversary to deal with - fathers day when my son had a heart attack in his daddys arms at the ripe old age of 5 weeks. We have managed to separate out the days so that we can remember the scary times and give thanks that he survived and then celebrate the birthday/fathers day independently.

I also asked a few of my mum friends who also had sick babies or babies born early (met heaps of mums in NICU!) and for nearly all of them the birthday issue was there too.

We have a ceremony down at the beach that we do to recognize the difficult parts and give thanks. It gives that time its own recognition, and a time-frame around it so that it is compartmentalized and separate from the celebration. Hope that makes sense.

It has gotten easier for me. Each year is still a recognition of how close we came to loosing him (unfortunately it has happened again too so more to grieve) and now that he is getting into his birthday it is becoming more about his enjoyment. That doesnt take away my memories though.

My son turned 5 last week and it was still hard but made easier by time and his enjoyment.

Hopefully time will bring healing and a way for you to process what happened with your bubs birth.

[~Sally~]

I can relate... DS1 nearly died at birth and had to be resus'd 3 times within the first 3 weeks. It was really hard at his first birthday, but I found it even harder at his 2nd. I was pregnant, on AD's and had just been told he had SID.

Anyway, what you feel is normal, and it's ok. It's ok to feel the way you do. No-one, that understands, expects you to just 'get over it'. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel any better, but i hope that knowing you arent alone helps.

Try and focus on the good things and how happy he is.

[thepixie]

babe, it's hard to get your head around I know. DD nearly died too and was in SCN for two days. I was off with the fairies after her birth and didn't realise how serious it was until days later. I struggled with it for a few months and had a hard time kind of processing the whole experience. Sometimes I still have a bit of a *she almost died* moment but it just doesn't seem real now, it's so hard to imagine that we could have come home without her. It really makes my heart go out to people who have lost their babies... there but for the grace of God.
So not much to offer except . His birth was hard, he almost died, but you know what, he didn't.... he made it, and he's your super-cute, super-smart, super-spunky little guy. You're blessed, even though sometimes you are blessed, but still a bit scarred at the same time. Hope that makes some kind of sense. Love to you xx

[Mummykins]

Leasha - I hope everything goes okay for you with your DD's first birthday soon, and I hope this thread can help you through it aswell. Big hugs.

Rommy'sMummy - Thank you so much for sharing your story, and how you have dealt with it all. I think that's such a special way to recognize it. I'm glad it does get a little easier aswell. Happy birthday to your little man. GL with the birth of your next bubba too.

Sally - It does feel better knowing I'm not alone and you all know what it feels like... and it's normal. DP tries to understand and bares with me but he can't fully get it.

Pixie - It made perfect sense. Thank you.

to you all.
I can't thank you enough for making me feel it's okay and not as if I'm weird and something is wrong with me.

xox

[Lady Zaidie]

Tennykins, I think this is very normal. I can't remember DS's first birthday, aside from my mother trying to ruin everything (I had both her and DH shouting at me when I said I was making a birthday cake because they both felt it was their job... DH did it in the end because it's his son and then my mum decided she was going to leave a half-hour before everyone else arrived for the party because she "hadn't realised" I'd invited everyone round for a specific time and day for a reason...) but I've just blocked it out. Maybe my mum did me a favour by getting me to focus on something else? But that was not even on the day.

I spent the week around the actual birthday forcing myself out of bed to look after DS and crying and flashbacks. Not good.

And it does get easier. OK so I block a lot of things out and see Liebling as DH's son and not mine (my baby died in the hospital and I was handed Liebs an hour and a half later). But even so, it gets easier. Just far too slowly, unfortunately.

[~Sally~]

I dont think there are many partners out there (if any) that fully understand what it is like emotionally, to witness those horrible moments. And not only that, but having that feeling of failure, the beating up inside because 'maybe I shouldn't have done this' or 'maybe I should have done that'.

With time it does get easier, as your baby starts to do new things you soon relax on yourself just that little bit.
I'm still waiting on the day Brendan says 'I love you mum' but I know when it does happen my heart is going to melt and I'll probably cry. That will be the moment that I think will make it so much easier on me, I might be able to stop beating myself up over thing I had no control over.

You are doing so well, and expressing your thoughts and feelings is an important step to healing.