What am I doing?

[Lady Zaidie]

I've finally been able to speak to someone from the hospital about putting in a complaint (a good week or so after I rang in the first time). I've been fairly fine for a few months now, no flashbacks or nightmares, but when I started speaking to this woman - who was lovely, btw - I just can't stop crying and shaking and I just know all the bad things are going to come back. Why am I even bothering to complain when I've already been told that the hospital like you to complain within a year and any later... well, it won't be the same staff so there will be little done. Why am I putting myself through this again? It was pretty much over and done with. I'm not even having more children so I don't have to face anything like this again.

Anyway, it's all booked in to meet with this woman with my notes next month and I have her number so I can cancel if I want... but I don't know what I want any more. I mean, I do want the hospital to know how bad they are. But I don't want to do it!

Any advice from all you lovely ladies who are strong enough to complain properly and within the time limits?

[Rouge]

You need to speak. You need to let out the pain. Regardless of whether or not those people still work there, even within a year things can change. You may be putting yourself through this now, but I really think you put yourself through this on a daily basis, and having some closure I hope will help that. If you need help in talking it through use us all, we can help with that. I think its wonderful and you are strong enough to do it, and not only will you be doing this for you but also for you beautiful little liebling, who didn't ask to be born the way he was, or to have his birth torture you the way that it has.

[sunflowa_girlie]

I have absolutely NO experience with childbirth, or even hospital stays, so I will proceed to speak with the innocent knowledge of a naive 20-something

At the end of the day Ryn, I don't think it matters what the staff end up doing - you are complaining because you were treated very badly, and you should've been able to expect more. Sadly, I think that the nurses/midwives that 'attended' you might not even care, because they certainly don't seem like the type. But the main reason you should go through with your complaint is for your own closure. Over 2 years later, it is still an extremely traumatic memory for you, and for your own sake, you need to put your concerns out there.

I know its easy to say, but you don't have to meet with this woman for a few weeks yet - could you write yourself some personal notes or cues, to keep you on track with what you want to say? Maybe you could even send her a report style email, so she can look it over and prepare her answers before you get there - which would stop either of you from being put on the defensive, KWIM? the other positive of writing an email is that you can take as long as you need to write it - go back and read it, rewrite parts as you see fit, and you can choose how you come across.

Also, last I checked, there was no statute of limitations on childbirth If now is the time YOU are ready, then now is the time it's gonna happen. GL darl

[~Leasha~]

For a naive 20-something, sunflowa, you're really spot-on the mark!

Ryn, I've read almost every post you have done in this de-breifing board. And alot on the other boards too, and if it's not to bold to say, even though you might *feel* that you've been ok for the past few months, your birthing experience (in my opinion, please just take me with a grain of salt, I might be sooooo off the mark) has effected you EMENSELY. The flashbacks might be fading, and the nightmares subsiding, but I know that you are affected deeper than that.

I think you do need to do this. I think even if all it does is let people know how disgustingly you were trreated, even if they can't reprimand the staff who treated you that way, I think knowing that you have moved forward, knowing in yourself that the way you were treated was unacceptable and that you didn't deserve that, and even knowing that what you say might help others?

I'm sorry my advice isn't from someone who has complained, I hope someone can come in and give some more specific advice. I just wanted to let you know I am proud of you and I think you are doing the right thing for you.

[Pony]

Well done Ryn.
It doesn't matter if it's past a year - they can't expect you to be able to process your experience by their time frame and even if some or all of the staff have moved on they still need to address the underlying culture that makes their staff think it is ok to disrespect their patients.
I think that you should ask the hospital to provide you with access to birth trauma couselling (preferably an impartial/non-hospital cousellor). They have traumatised you and they owe you some help to recover.
I agree that it is a great idea to write it down over the next weeks and email it before yourmeeting or take a copy to leave behind.

[Cassius2]

This moment is for you Ryn. Take it, run with it and never look back.

xx

[Jitterbug]

Just wanted to drop in and say that you are so brave. I have read your debriefs and it breaks my heart to hear how you were treated. You deserve to let them know exactly how you feel about what has happened, they need to understand that what happened was wrong. It doesn't matter how long it has taken you because after what you went through, I am not surprised you needed time to get to this point. We are all here behind you but hopefully somebody can come in and share their experience to help you through this.

[Sarah_H]

You'd be surprised about what staff are still around Ryn. I had a big issue with a midwife after I had Alexzander & thought I'd be fine if she still happened to work there three years later. Not only was she there, but I was not fine with her.

I think going to this meeting will be very healing for you, even if you aren't planning on having any more children.

[Jennifer13]

Ryn, I hope this experience brings YOU something positive, because you deserve it. That's the most important thing to gain from doing anything. For you and your family.

[Lady Zaidie]

The really nasty bully midwife is still there and I have said I do not want to see her or speak to her ever again. And that's OK (well, they said that I don't have to but we'll see).

Oddly enough, I was talking to the nurse at the local surgery this morning for my smear test. She asked if I had a "normal" birth. She saw my look and changed that to "vaginal". I replied "yes, but it was at the hospital." "Oh, so not a normal birth then; I've never come across one of those there," she said, before apologising for the unprofessional lapse. But that's sort of the point - that's the hospital culture and EVERYONE (even me before I went there) knows that.

And there is a trauma counsellor attached to the labour/post natal area. A specialist counsellor attached to just one ward. I may get in touch with her, I may not. I'll decide later. But that really does say something.

As for my notes (not my hospital notes). I'm lucky I'm eloquent and post EVERYTHING here on BB; it's a matter of moments to print out pages and pages of things that happened and how it has been affecting me. I love this website sometimes, I really do!

Thanks to you all for supporting me in this, I have a feeling I'm going to need all of that these next few weeks.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

You know, every time we complain about our treatment and demand better care, we're pioneering for other women. Even if you're not going to have any more children yourself, what we do now will greatly influence the conditions our children give birth in. Good luck with the hospital! I too am guilty of complaining outside the usual timeframe (even though the first time that was only 6 months or so!) now it's up to 2 years. Is there someone you can take in with you for support? I wonder if a lot of hospitals either try to talk you out of your feelings (like mine) or deny that it was 'that bad' to avoid legal action. Heck, that could be the reason why the labour ward has its own counsellor!

[Lady Zaidie]

PMSL - support? I've not even mentioned this to DH due to the "support" he would give. She's coming to my house as I refuse to go near the maternity areas in the hospital again.

I've done a lot of thinking about this, thanks to another thread recently.

Why am I traumatised? Because it didn't work out?

No. I wasn't traumatised that I didn't get 3 years BFing; I was quite at peace and happy with just 16m. Well short of my target. I wasn't upset giving Liebs a formula feed at 5m old, but I was at 3d old. Why? It's because I'm being denied and bullied.

I CAN give birth and I CAN breastfeed. I CHOSE to give DS a formula bottle at 5m. I did NOT choose to do it at 3d but did it because I was told DS would be taken away from me and given it no matter what if I didn't do it myself. No emotional support for me. I CAN birth, but I was bullied out of it. That's why it was traumatic. Because I was denied something I can do. Like someone refusing to let you pick your own clothes ever again because "I don't like your taste" - so you wake up and there's your outfit. Doesn't sound traumatic? You can't change that choice. It's not bad for a day: you've had years of picking clothes. But after a year, stuck in someone else's plan for your clothes? I can see how trauma would happen.

And that's without the physical torture your baby being lent a literal hand in the birth canal.

I hate bullies and the bully atmosophere. That's why I'm complaining. I will never see these women again but someone else will. Thanks for reminding me of that, Neenee.

[Mak]

Apologies if the words don't come out well. I have read your debrief and wanted to say how amazing you are.
Stay strong RF and stick to your gut feeling. Perhaps your complaint will help someone else avoid similiar experiences and improve the 'service' offered to others? Your feedback may be that which ensures the issues you faced are dealt with by the hospital...and if not then at least you can move forward in your journey knowing that you spoke up for your son, yourself and other mothers.
Good luck - it is can be so hard to speak up when the information is hard to express and hard for others to hear.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Let us know how the meeting goes? FWIW I think it's very brave of you to agree to it, in all honesty I'm a bit scared to meet with my hospital because I don't want to be bullied or for them to try to talk me out of my opinion. I can just imagine how it would go; "I was forced to give birth naked in a room without the curtains drawn and with the door open" "Well there's no mention of that in your notes . . . " Anyway, I hope the meeting is healing for you.

[Rouge]

How it is going beautiful? Any further thoughts? When do you meet up again? Thinking of you xxx

[Lady Zaidie]

Meeting up next Friday. Still haven't told DH, but have tried to talk about that time with him and he has refused. That is no longer an option for me - his refusing to talk about it hurt me a lot at the time. So I don't care that it hasn't healed for him yet... it's my bloody body that went through it, he can face a bit of pain for me now!

I dunno how I feel. I'm a bit mad at all you lovely women - in helping me through this and to accept it I'm not as raw and angry. I can't be talked away from how I felt but it's not as bad as it was... I really wanted to be hurt and to rage about it! Ah well, I'm sure it will come when I need it!

[Cassius2]

ah dont worry Ryn, the rage is contained...just waiting, waiting...you might be surprised at what you feel at the coming meeting. well, at least this is what i found. i was like *totally okay* with my hospital and experience until i went back to pick up my hospital notes, then i was like a banshee in a budgie cage LOL!

i reckon that you should plan to do something totally indulgent after the meeting. is there anyway that leibling can be left with someone so you can explore the option of movies

[Jennifer13]

Ryn, you sound like you are managing it a lot better. The rage and pain don't necessarily go away - but sometimes they need to be leashed.

Sorry, but I feel like giving a big *slap* to your DH too - he needs to wake up and start listening to you!