What am I doing?

[Lady Zaidie]

I am soooooo annoyed at DH!

He still refuses to say anything about the hospital stay apart from that the hospital acted in my best interests and we're alive, that's his perspective. I shouldn't complain about the midwives and Obs looking after me. He refuses to accept that they didn't and that I feel let down by him being on their side and not mine. He's now not talking to me because I think he was weak (his words but yes, my feelings) in the labour ward. I told him it's not about him - it's about me not being listened to. It's about being bullied. It's about things being done which were NOT in my best interests. DH won't see that.

However, he will support me complaining about Evil Midwife, especially after I told him a few things she did when he wasn't there. He didn't like her either. But nothing else (tough, I'm still complaining about the lot). Then he lectured me that I can't sue the NHS as that's "not Christian" - what the? It's unethical no matter what your perspective of faith. Money needs to go for re-training and caring nurses and more of them, not paying me off.

Oh yeah, get this. He won't have a vasectomy at a little NHS walk-in clinic because that's not good. He is going to have a private hospital when HE decides to get it done. Because the NHS don't look after you properly.

And yet he'd insist on an NHS hospital for another birth. I think we already knew what was going to happen should I get pg again and that's DH not being told anything about it. I don?t trust him.

He has the audacity to say the NHS don't have patients' best interests at heart yet they had mine at heart and not theirs. I'm very cross with him. They can't look after him but they can me.

I wanted to freebirth Liebling and I'm not even going to let the Ambassador get a look-in with any more of his children. Sperm and that's it. He won't even know when I miss a period or when my EDD is. Although I suspect he'll make me go to antenatal appointments. But I know from previous visits you just give them an LMP date and that's your due date sorted, no other info listened to. So I will have 6w "extra".

Anyway, he now knows that a week today I'll be having a meeting with the complaints people for the labour ward and said if they offer me counselling to take it. But don't expect a written apology. I didn't! I don't want punishment for Evil Midwife either, that's not what this is about. But he doesn't get that, that this is about me and how I feel and not about punishment or money.

I'm a bit annoyed with him, as I said. I cannot trust him any more to look after me. He said he's going to worry that I can't make choices about palliative care for my parents should they need it when they're older. What sort of freak is he to say that? I can make choices, only my informed choices will be listened to then because I won't be in labour.

And pushing drugs was to make me more comfortable. I was freaking comfortable! I was in labour but it really wasn't necessary to give me drugs when they were pushing them.

Anyway.

That's all for now! Thanks for reading.

[fionas]

Darl, I said love, I said darl. Get yourself a cup of tea and a biccie.

Y'know what. I think it really helps when you have someone half-credible listen to you. Really listen.

I complained to my DP for goodness knows how long about my SPD (pelvic pain) and about how difficult it made my life after giving birth.

It was only when I went to see my GP when DD was 20 months old and told him I was so freaking scared of going through that again (not so much the pain but feeling disabled and having to ask for help) and he said .... "you poor love, NO ONE should have to go through what you've been through," that I actually felt validated and felt like a whole weight lifted off my shoulders.

There is actually no substitute for seeing someone IRL (rather than on BB) who gets what you're talking about and empathises and sympathises.

I think you just really need a real person who says, "y'know what Ryn, your birth sucked, you were treated really badly."

Sometimes the people closest to us think that the best way of consoling us is to say, but yes, look at the lovely baby you have. But often that doesn't make us feel better, we want them to acknowledge the fact that the journey (I hate that word BTW) was a horrendous one.

So, I'm not sure that the hospital person is the best person to approach. They may be defensive. So my advice is to find a counsellor or anyone basically who REALLY LISTENS because after months and months of anguish, I felt healed after 30 seconds of wisdom and empathy from a counsellor.

You did a great job darl. You're a fantastic mum. One day you'll believe that.

[Jennifer13]

Hun, it sounds like he's trying to 'fix' you and, dammit, he's not succeeding, so he's getting his jocks in knots and wiping his hands of being able to. You're beyond his help, ergo, you must be wrong and it's not worth worrying about anymore.

So I agree that there's not much point (yet) talking to him about it. Talk to the counsellor and make sure this is one of the things you bring up. Not only did the hospital rob you of the birth experience you deserved and leave you with PTSD (bad enough), it's also affected your relationship with your DH! He doesn't understand you, but I'm guessing you also don't understand how you could be treated the way you were without anyone seeming to notice or care.

As for 'un-Christian' - Jesus never encouraged the abdication of responsibility. This is about your treatment, how it could have been better, helping you now in the aftermath and, if possible, changing the way things are done if there's a next time. What's 'un-Christian' about that?

I really hope someone hears you soon, IRL, not just at the other side of the world through a computer screen.

[Cassius2]

Originally Posted by Lady Zaidie

I am soooooo annoyed at DH!

He still refuses to say anything about the hospital stay apart from that the hospital acted in my best interests and we're alive, that's his perspective. I shouldn't complain about the midwives and Obs looking after me. He refuses to accept that they didn't and that I feel let down by him being on their side and not mine. He's now not talking to me because I think he was weak (his words but yes, my feelings) in the labour ward. I told him it's not about him - it's about me not being listened to. It's about being bullied. It's about things being done which were NOT in my best interests. DH won't see that.

.

i see an ostrich with his head in the sand [singing along to the Bee Gees]

[Lady Zaidie]

She called last night - it's now tomorrow morning!

Got to print out my notes from here and get the house spotless now. In one day, not two!

Does anyone have ANY idea how this little talk will go or what will be said?

[sneakysparkle]

no idea hun but all the best
praying for you too

[Lady Zaidie]

Cheers Hun.

I'm about 10 hours behind you all so please post while I sleep! Might not get much warning but some is better than none.

Right, just have to clean the windows now.

[Rouge]

Will they discuss your birth plan? Your concerns? Or your complaints? Will they try to vindicate their own actions or the actions of their peers (this would worry me and no doubt worries you but I'm sure you are strong enough to deal with it!). What was discussed in your first meeting? And most importantly what do YOU hope to get out of it. Do you just want to be heard, do you care for what they have to say or how they might reassure you of what they did or what they'll take away from this? And most importantly what will you do or feel if you walk away feeling as though nothing you hoped to achieve wasn't. The reason I ask this is I've seen you fall and rise and fall and rise and I do not want to see you fall again If it were me I would have little expectations, I would say what I have to say and expect nothing in return. If I get it bonus, if I don't thats fine but don't go quietly into the night...

[Lady Zaidie]

She has my notes and we're going to talk... that's all I know. She knows I'm unhappy and want to put in a complaint.

What do I want? I want SOMEONE to hear me IRL and say "yup, we fouled up, dreadfully sorry, won't happen again." I want SOMEONE to hear that Evil Midwife was really crap to me and I want staff to be trained to think before they speak. And if you're going to offer help, don't offer it to one woman and not to the woman in the bed opposite. I don't want her punished or to see her again or even hear from her or get a letter, just that some retraining will happen.

I want someone to say "actually, this shouldn't have happened. You could have done this if we left you alone" because I know that and no-one acknowledges that.

I expect... I don't know. I hope I don't meet defensiveness and arguments. My initial birth write-up on here, in my journal, is fantastic as it has times, initial feelings, who said what...

And it really hits home that I wasn't traumatised until the Monday. That's when I completely dissociated from it all. When I went back into hospital.

I honestly don't know how I had any more tears left in me after that first week, from Monday-Monday (DS arriving on the Tuesday of that week). There was no compassion or empathy and I would like that acknowledged.

I hope to disarm with coffee and cake. But that means baking a cake now. Hmmm. If I get a shimmy on with the windows there may be time to do it today. If not - local shops and cadbury's chocolate rolls.

[Rouge]

Awesome. So you have a plan CAKE! I'll bake tomorrow in your honour

[Lady Zaidie]

Actually, I'm looking forward to hearing what happened to Liebling the first hour and a half of his life - he was taken away and no-one told me. His notes have next to nothing in but that maternity notes should do, I was told.

And they ahve a trauma counsellor - DH told me to get them to make an appointment if they offer it. So long as it's not in the hospital I really don't mind: it may not do much good if they are just watching each other's backs though. That's a very real possibility but you know, that's going to be an opinion of someone who wasn't there and has fudged hospital notes (they told me of one thing they were fudging so others could be too... my notes will be more accurate I think). That's not going to be reality. It will hurt a bit that the hospital opinion is sooooo poor but I am never going there again so who cares?

Next birth will be the one I always wanted. That'll show everyone it's doable and should have been done in the first place.

[Rouge]

Originally Posted by Lady Zaidie

Next birth will be the one I always wanted. That'll show everyone it's doable and should have been done in the first place.

I'm sitting here with a secret little smile on my face, while inside there is sunshine and unicorns and fairy floss.

And you are so right... WHO CARES! You are there with a purpose and these aren't people you have a personal relationship or need to worry about. Where was your worry? When were they concerned about how their actions and words would affect you... and 3 years down the track STILL affecting you.

[Mak]

Stand firm and stick to the key points you want to communicate. As hurtful as the whole experience was I would try to focus on your core issues (I can get lost in the fine detail myself and get all fuddled when upset). I agree do not expect too much but regardless of the outcome you will have made someone hear you.
I hope they apologise regardless and that you have some acknowledgement of the pain you have experienced. I would be asking for the counselling too - rather than waiting to be offered it.
Thinking of you. x

[Jennifer13]

Thinking of you, hun, and I was so pleased to read about your positive plans for a 'next time'!

[bjrose]

Just wanted to wish you luck!
I'm sorry your DH isn't helping much, but I do have to point out that he is male...they don't see things the way we do. I really think he doesn't understand why you feel the way you do. But he will never have BFing taken away from him, he'll never experience the 'perfect' birth, or hope for the perfect birth & have it taken away from him for no apparent reason.
Men don't understand what childbirth means to a woman. To them its just having a baby. Once its over, its over. I know there would be alot of men out there crying poor me if they ever had to experience what some poor women go through.
You need to do this. Not only for yourself, but for all the other women out there who have been treated badly by this hospital. For the women in the future who might be treated badly.
You are a strong amazing woman & I applaud you for the trouble you are going to not only for yourself, but for others!

[Lady Zaidie]

Thanks girls! I logged on to read your lovely messages before I took Liebs to playschool this morning.

The lady who came round was absolutely lovely. The hospital notes show that the midwives were pushing drugs too much, pushing the monitor too much and that mismanagement caused any and all problems that happened. She is going to feedback to Evil Midwife that she needs a bit more compassion with mothers of newborns. I was told that next time I'm going to have a homebirth, I really should have had one with Liebling if that's what I wanted, but there's no way I should be in hospital and if anyone says that, the lady I saw today will tell them to shut up and organise a homebirth for me.

She is also going to write me a letter to say that I can give birth perfectly well on my own, the hospital caused the problems. So I can show DH. She is also going to say that I would do very well with a homebirth and that should be considered. So I can show DH. (I know DH banned me from telling her that he was crap but no way, he was crap and I'm not blaming the hospital for his failings as well as their own.)

I'm also seeing the trauma counsellor in September to talk about it properly.

AND I still have all the cupcakes to eat myself. Bonus. And a perfectly clean house because we all know clean house = good mother so DS has been at Nursery so I can have a spotless house this week.

[sneakysparkle]

that sounds great hun! are you happy with that?
wow, you sound happy

[Rouge]

WAHOOOOOOOOOoOoOoooooOOoOOOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOooOooOOO ooO

Ok now I DO have to open the black Vodka IN YOUR HONOUR! I am soooo happy, and I hope you are too. I know it doesn't fix anything but its certainly a great step in the right direction. And I hope your efforts help other women to do the same. If women don't complain about how they are treated how will things EVER change!

So from one woman to another thank you... you are helping not just yourself but so many others