I lost it in hospital book in today.

[Mum2]

Meant to say 'hospital book in'.

Today I had the hospital book in interview with the midwife. Last year I had a very long and traumatic birth with my son. I thought I had dealt with it and it didn't bother me at all now. Was I wrong . As soon as I got back into the maternity ward I felt feelings of dread. It brought back so many memories. During the interview I just lost it. I cried n cried n cried. I told the midwife I can't do it. She was great and very understanding. I have an appointment in 2 weeks with the hospital OB to talk about a c-section. She has also referred me to get birth trauma counselling before this bub is born, which she wants me to do even if I choose to have a c-section. She also told me our hospital now allows you to breastfeed in recovery, a midwife stays with you. Which was something I was worried about. I don't know what I want to do, I want to run away. So much for I have dealt with it . I have just been crying every time I think of it since I got home. Just wanted to get it out. Thanks for reading.

[julie_ann_jules]

Oh you poor thing
I also lost it at a midwife appointment and again in birthing classes. I tried to hold it in but the memories and feelings came flooding back.
Its good that you are admitting that it still bothers you so you can begin to work thu it!!!
I found it really theraputic to write about my experiences some women have some councelling just do what ever YOU need!

[HollyM]

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic birth experience. The midwife you spoke to sounds very lovely & couselling is a good idea. Just wanted to give you a ! With a lot of support I'm sure you will come to a decision that is best for you.

[jessicakate]

Hi Mum2! I know everyone has their "I know someone" stories... but I know someone who had a very traumatic 1st birth, she hated it, was not listened to by midwives, was bullied into not doing what she wanted etc, but when she had the second baby, she knew so much more. she was stronger, and wouldn't stand for being pushed around. Going into the birth with this confidence and knowledge, she was actually saying only a few weeks after having her little boy how much she had enjoyed it (can you believe it)?

Anyway my point is, that you can do it! Even though it was traumatic (and without knowing what happened to you) the first time, you did do it. No matter how you decide to have this baby, I'm sure you'll do a great job.

[Marydean]

Mum2, I so totally understand where you're at. I had a very long and nasty 1st birth (and was so traumatised it took me 9 years to get up the courage to have my second child). I thought I had dealt with it by then (after consciously addressing it in counselling and healing) but also lost it at the hospital booking. The respect and concern for me that the midwife showed when I told her my story was the beginning of a very deeply healing birth experience for me. I asked to have a C/S, and despite it being a public hospital the OBs were very supportive of my wishes. I was able to request skin to skin contact in theatre, my baby didn't leave me, and on the day (even tho they were really busy) the theatre midwife had read my notes and opted to come up to recovery and stay with me while I breastfeed (even tho her pager kept going off because they wanted her back downstairs LOL). The hospital also provided us with a single room so that my DH could stay with me as I had been left alone and without help for long periods after my first DD was born and I had a lot of anxiety about that.

So I just wanted to pop in and offer some words of support from someone who has been there. Regardless of whether you choose another VB or a CS, it *can* be a deeply healing experience. I encourage you to pursue the trauma counselling, because trauma doesn't go away unless you deal with it and make your peace with it.

[Astrid]

Another one here who lost it at the booking appointment. I was not too bad until I saw the sadistic's ob's name up on the list of obs working that day. I was just in tears and in shock at what I was feeling. I told the ladies at reception that I did not wish to see that particular ob and they then threatened that if I was this upset that they doubted I would get midwifery care and would have to see an ob each time. I was freaked out more after that. Thankfully the midwife who saw me understood, said there was no prob with midwifery care and saw a very nice ob, who was also supportive of me going for a VBAC.

Grab whatever counselling you can to get yourself through this. Be open and honest with your care providers. It can be a hard work at times, but it really is worth it in the end.

[Townsvillegirl]

Mum2 - I totally understand how you feel. I felt exactly the same way walking back into the hospital for my booking in appointment when I was pg with my DS - the smell, the sound, the atmosphere all brought it flooding back, and again with this baby. I think it is great the you have a supportive midwife that listens to you. It really does help. It's also good to get it out.

I hope your appointment with the Ob goes well. Sorry I don't have much else to offer but an understanding shoulder to cry on.

[Mum2]

Thank you ladies for all the support. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

[Mum2]

Just thought I would give you an update. I had my appointment with the Ob today. The social worker from the hospital came with me for support, which was good because she was able to talk for me when I couldn't. I lost it again and pretty much cried the whole appointment. I have decided to have a c-section and the Ob agreed for me to have it. I have not gone into it lightly, I have been reading tonnes and thinking about it for the past 6 months. I know some people don't believe in elective c-sections but I truly believe this is the best thing for me and my baby. At the end of the appointment he did a quick ultrasound, she is so so beautiful.

[Townsvillegirl]

You gotta do what you think is best. At least you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without the stress of pending labour. Good luck with everything and I am very happy for you that you found an ob that would listen to your concerns and work to a solution that you are happy with. Don't feel that you need to explain or justify yourself to anyone - only you truly know what is best for you.

[Mum2]

Thank you for your support Townsvillegirl. I do feel much less stressed now. I feel like I can finally enjoy my pregnancy without feeling sick with worry every time I think about it. Thank you

[NaeNae]

I am so glad you have made a decision that you are the most comfortable with. It does not matter how you choose to birth your baby you need to do what you feel is best for both of you.

I am so glad you now have some peace. Best of luck

Nae x

[Mum2]

Thank you Nae.

[Marydean]

Mum2, so glad you have come to a decision that you're happy with, and have the support of the social worker and ob! That's a great start, but just remember that you will need to keep advocating for yourself and asking for your own needs to be met throughout your hospital experience. This might include writing a c/s birth plan to include skin to skin contact and/or breastfeeding in theatre and recovery. Keep asking for what you need and don't take no for an answer!!

The other thing I did that helped me hugely was reading hte book "Delivery by appointment" - it's all about CS. It will help to prepare you for the actual experience and you will be informed to ask the questions you need to in the pre-surgical meetings with the anaesthetists and the ob. Good luck, I wish you a blessed and healing birthing time!

[Mum2]

Thank you Marydean. I wrote a c/s birth plan and the midwife said at our hospital they now have a midwife who goes to recovery so the mothers can breastfeed. Do you know where I would get a copy of "Delivery by appointment"? Thank you for your support.

[missymoo84]

oh hun how horrible for you Your MW sounds wonderful though. Do take up the councelling, it might help you to talk about it and get it all out.

[satya]

Good on you for making the c section decision. Don't worry about what other people might say (or post on here). I can fully understand why you would choose to do it. After a long labour that ended in vac extraction I lay in my bed (still in pain and barely able to walk) the next day watching the elective c section ladies going out of the room next to mine and soon after being wheeled back in. I remember feeling very envious of them.

I only just recently had the thought that I could possibly face labour again. My next thought was that I probably only felt that way as it's very unlikely I will have another child so I don't actually have to face it. If I did find myself pregnant again I could well have the same reaction that you did.

You should try your local library for the book that marydean mentioned. My library has heaps of pregnancy & birth books & I guess most of them probably do.

[Mum2]

Mel - Thank you. Yes I'm still going to do the counselling. The social worker is also coming out to our house next week, she wants me to go through the health care complaints commission to complain about what happened. I'm in two minds about it but I will talk to her next week then decide. At least I have people who are finally listening and trying to help after 16 months.

Satya - Sorry to hear you are going through the same emotions about your birth . There is help out there, they just don't make it known. If you need to talk or ask any questions just pm me. I didn't think of the library, will try there next week. Thank you for your support.