Willingness of another mother to let her live there!

[Tanya]

Ok, DD#1 has told me at the end of the year she is moving out. She will be 17, I think if at this age she wants to move out she should be mature enough to live without a parent... but apparently she is going to live with a friend and her mother in a two bedroom unit! She is going to share the bed/bedroom with the friend.... WTF!
I really think I need to go and have a few words with this mother!! When DD cracks the poos (like a teenager does) she will call this friend and her mother will come and get her no questions asked!! This really grates me, if she gets upset she needs to be able to deal with it maturely but I feel this woman is facilitating her lack of ability to behave like an adult in these circumstances.
She will be in yr 12 next year and I can't see how this change of circumstances is going to be of any benefit.

Would love some input.

[Ammaki]

I have a 13YO sister who is giving my mum hell at the moment and a mother of one of her friends does the same... i find it incredibly frustrating and totally think she is over stepping boundaries.

Not sure about the sharing a room thing, i have NO experience but i think if you say no and she does it anyway there will be resentment yet if you say yes and give it a month im sure she will get sick of sharing a room...i dunno, just thinking out loud. As long as she knows she is welcome back anytime i think that the stress of yr 12 plus sharing a room, she would probably come home on her own? Or maybe would she be too proud to come home? Oh i dunno.

Big hugs to you tho!! I hope it all works out for you guys! xo

[Lulu]

Happens ALL the fricken time Tanya, it used to annoy me no end (on the end of the phone at Clink listening to a sobbing mother, whose daughter has someone that enables her to LEAVE HOME at a young age).

In any case - is she on YAL or FTB? A lot of the time you can dispute the payments (ie - she hasn't been kicked out so the payments can be suspended), because financial gain has ALOT to do with the willingness to support another child.

[Kate07]

Playing devil's advocate but at least if you know where she is living, and if it is a safe place you know she is alive and well and safe.

Staying over for short periods when Mum p!sses you off can also be quite different to living with other people full time. The other Mum may not be as accomodating, and she might realise that its not always greener.

[Tanya]

That's it Lulu... I will be telling CL just that.... And I will be telling the mother that also. She has a happy healthy home. I think someitmes the mothers of these kids believe every dramatic story the teenager comes out with!
This about her sharing a room when she leaves home is that atm she has her own room... if she moves out that room does not stay empty, she can't come home to her own room she will have to share with one of her sisters!

[Lulu]

Yep - you got it, the room sharing is what keeps my DD in line too

If that mother truly had DD's best interests at heart she would have called you to discuss it. However, if she does leave - don't rely on Clink to call you to confirm - call them yourself and let them know. They called me when DD was threatening to go, but they didn't call exH when his daughter left (and told a WHOLE heap of shocking lies -on the advice of the people she lived with), and I know they didn't call another friend of mine about her DD either.

Let the other mother know she will not be receiving any financial support for DD if she does go - maybe ask why she feels its necesarry to give your DD a bed. Then set the record straight. Grrrrrr, I hate that.

[SamiH]

I had a friends whose daughter kept doing this - and one of her besties mothers also kept coming and picking her up

My friend spoke to the other mothers - turns out my friends daughter was telling her all sorts of outrageous lies about my friend - and therefore the other mother did it because she thought my friends daughter was in trouble living at home.

If you can speak to the other mother, I would try and meet neutrally first and see how that goes.

[diannescruffy]

I agree with talking to the mother, DS's friend was doing this to me, telling me horrible stories about things going on at home which turned out not to be true at all. Hope everything works out for you.

Regards,
Dianne

[Tanya]

Well, I have just spoken to the mother over the phone and she tells me that DD and her DD haven't really spoken to her about any of it. It's all their planning. She said she would talk with my DD tonight. I also asked her that if DD calls upset that I would appreciate it if she would come in and see what is going on before taking her. I told her I appreciate her support for DD but felt she was a little to eager to help without questioning what was going on.

We agreed that after she spoke with my DD tonight we would get togehter and have a chat.

[diannescruffy]

That's great Tanya, glad you spoke to her and hope your chat with DD goes well.

Regards,
Dianne

[Lulu]

Yaaay!

[~Jo~]

Thats great you had that conversation. I personally would be livid if another parent did that with my child, so you have handled it with a great deal of patience!

Jo

[fionas]

That's great Tanya - I think definitely keep the lines of communication open with the other mum.

Also, teenagers can come up with all sorts of "great ideas" that never come to fruition. When DSD was 14 she announced that she was going to leave school at 16, get youth allowance and move in with a mate. She's no longer in touch with that mate. We didn't' say that she couldn't - DP and I both moved out of home as teenagers so we weren't against it in theory, just chuckling to ourselves a bit that DSD thought that she could look after herself IYKWIM. So we just kept pointing out the financial and practical realities. Rent will be $x, bills will be $x which means you're going to have to earn $x and you're not going to have a hell of a lot left over for clothes/going out. I think that made her realise that she's on a pretty good wicket at home. Free board, meals cooked for her, pocket money, no bills to pay etc. etc.

A few months ago she announced that she wanted to take her new best mate with her to America when she next goes on an access visit to her mum (who lives there) at Xmas. They were all keen on that idea for about two weeks but we haven't heard any more about it.

If she does keep talking about it, I'd sit her down and without saying yes or no, ask her lots of questions about how she's going to cope money-wise, who will cook for her, how will she get homework done if she's sharing a room, what time will she have to be in at night etc. etc.

But I think keeping in close contact with the other mum is the way to go. As the others have said, you never know what stories she's been telling her (and the other mum may have been too polite to tell you in your first conversation).

[Cass_Blob]

Hows your DD now tanya?

[Tanya]

Thanx for asking Cass
She told me a few weeks ago that she doesn't want to move out
She spends a lot of time at the firends house and apparently they are moving away come early next year. I spoke to her about her age and how she needs to take the initative and take responsablity for more duties around the house.... she was really good for about a week! LOL. She has become slack again but I will have another talk with her this afternoon.

Thanx again for asking
xx