Feeling pressure to let others babysit

[sterla]

*sorry if this post seems a bit jumbled and petty*

I don't know if this is unusual - but I haven't ever let anyone look after DS. He's almost 9 months, and the longest I've been away from him is 40 mins when I've left him with DH and popped out to get groceries.

I think I'd be okay to leave DS with my DH for slightly longer amounts of time (like 1-1.5 hours), but right now that's about all I feel comfortable with.
DS still has a lot of breastfeeds through the day (and night) and won't take a bottle, plus I feed to sleep, and so am the only one who can get him to sleep. This in itself limits how long I can be away from DS... but still, I don't want to be away from him for very long. I don't feel ready.

However, the grandparents - well, mainly my mum, have recently upped the babysitting hints. It's always "Oh, you should leave him with us so you can have a break or go out with DH" "I can watch him while you go and do this" etc. Or the most recent one - I've been invited to a 'girls only' breakfast with my mum, sister and grandmother, and so must leave DS at home . Last night, after my mum hinted yet again at babysitting, I said "Did you ever think maybe I don't want a break from DS?"
She said that she only keeps offering because she wants to babysit. I know that, I say, but I just don't feel ready - to which my mum gives me the strangest of looks - like I'm unusually attached to DS (maybe I am?)

Do I need to just suck-it-up and let others babysit DS? I have no desire to leave him, but every time anyone brings up looking after him I feel so bad for saying no - like I'm denying them access to DS (which I so do not - the grandparents see plenty of him!). Like I said, I really don't feel ready - but will I ever feel ready? I'm sick of feeling so much pressure, and like I'm some pathetically over-attached mother every time someone asks to babysit .

[MantaRay]

Sterla, it's hard when you feel pressured. I think it's pretty normal for grandparents to be keen to baby sit, but it is also common for mums to feel unsure about leaving their babies.

As far as bfing goes, babies tend to go longer between feeds when mum's not there, and at that age I would expect Oliver could go for a few hours without bfs if you were apart. So if you wanted to do it, I am sure it would be fine. But the thing is, if you don't want to do it, you're not going to enjoy your "break" anyway. You need to feel ready, and one day you will.

I do think it's important for partners to have some couple time without the baby, but this could also be spent at home when baby is asleep if you are going to be more relaxed than being out. I am sure that at same point you will feel like you are able to go out without Oliver for a longer period, and the first time is always the hardest. Once you've done it once, you will probably find it gets easier. But it's perfectly ok for you to pick when that first time is, at a time when you are more comfortable with it.

I am not sure how to stop people pressuring you, but perhaps you could point out that this is a decision you need to make on your own, and the more they pressure they apply the more you are going to feel uncomfortable with leaving him. Best of luck with it hun.

[Netix]

I hear you baby! I feed Ryan to sleep, and he won't take a bottle either. This gives the Man the irrates as he wants me to get him into day care sometimes so that I can have more uninterrupted time for my business. Or so that we could get the two littlies babysat so we could go out for dinner.

If you don't want to leave him babysat fore longer, then don't. If you do, you won't enjoy yourself while you are outside that front door, and more than likely you will cut whatever it is short just to get back to him.

Tell everyone who offer that you really appreciate their offers, know they are trying to take a load off you, but its not a load. Also say that when he's stopped bf (whenever that is, don't let them rush you again), then you will remember their offer.

[csab]

Dont feel like you have to let someone babysit your DS, its your choice on who and when you decide to leave your DS with. When you are ready and feel like its time you have a break then leave your DS with who you want to. It may do yourself and DH good to spend some time together on your own. Sometimes men feel abit left out when your busy with a bub all the time. Its hard too leaving your bub when still BF'ing. Remember the first time you leave your bub with someone/someone new is always hard.
You will know when the time is right. hugs

[NaeNae]

I think MR has given you some awesome advice.

I just wanted to say its very hard not to feel guilted into things when it comes to babies.

Mine isn't here yet and I have already had my mum (whom I do not get along with very well) "suggest" that she should be here for the first week when bub comes to "help us out" then I got the story of how my nan was there for the first two weeks when I was born and how helpful that was for her. She has also told me in no uncertain terms that she will not be working over summer unless someone absolutely needs her too (like there is no subtle hints there )

I personally don't think you are over reacting or being selfish or silly about how you are feeling. Its hard to not disappoint others but sometimes extended family need to be reminded of the fact that the baby is yours and you will make decisions etc based on what you feel is right.

A nice way around it is to say thanks for the offer and when you need a sitter then you will call them??

Nae x

[indie24]

I have only just started leaving my DD with SIL in the last few weeks. SO she was just on 13 months old. It wasn't that I don't trust SIL but have only just felt comfortable in leaving DD for longer periods of time with people other than DH. As others have said do it when you feel comfortable otherwise it is more stressful than helpful

[Heaven]

OMG Sterla, I was going to write a post the same!!
I feel like people think I'm overly attached to DD. Is there even such a thing? Can you be overly attached to your own child??
My mum is always saying she can look after her and it will be good when she can stay the night. Umm..NO!! I haven't been away from DD for long either and have only left her with DH. This friday DH and I have to go to a funeral and my mum is looking after DD and I am FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so bad bc I can't explain to DD that we're just going out and will be back and I feel like she'll be thinking 'wtf is going on!!' and be scared bc she's also going through a bit of a separation anxiety stage.

I was also wondering if it was weird to have not left DD with someone else by now but obviously it's not! thanks!

[misty]

DD was well over a year old the first time I let her be babysat, it was only for an hr and I fretted the whole time. DS1 was much younger - but that was because of neccessity (I hated it) and even now (he is two on sat) he isn't often babysat. DS2 - mum has suggested she could babysit so DH and I could go to the movies or somethhing, but I am not ready for that at all. Luckily after the first two, mum now realises that this is me and doesn't push the issue.

Mind you i have also had comments about how I hold my babys excessively - from many different sources. Maybe they are right, I just don't know if I could hold them any less - If I need my hands free I use my sling.

Oh, and I can count on one hand the number of people I feel I can leave any of my kids with - sadly for my MIL, she is not one of the people (although we actually get along really well, I just don't like the way she interacts with children in general).

[Netix]

Heaven, I had to leave the kids with my Mum (at my house though, so I think that helped) to go to a funeral when Ryan was 3 months old. I was away for about four hours (and didn't even get to the wake!), and he needed a feed while I was out. Mum got him to have a bottle of formula (I told her to feed him if need be), but with great struggle. He was very pleased to have me home once I got back. It was on my mind while I was out, especially by the time I felt like my bbs were going to explode, but I knew things were under control (I actually had my phone on silent and told my Mum to ring me so that I knew if there was a problem, but not that I would answer it, so that was reassuring).

[Heaven]

Netix, thanks! She'll be minding her at our house too which helps.

[black_rose]

Sterla tell your mum that your and DS are not ready but she will be the first on your list when you are! I have found it hard with DD2 to leave her with anyone she is breastfeed, won't take a bottle and gets very upset if I am not there, she gets extremely grumpy the day after anyone else watches her even DH! This is the opposite to DD1 who would breastfeed or have a bottle and was happy to be around anyone, she was in special care and has always been around lots of people and had bottles so I think its made a difference so she was babysat at about 8 weeks.

It is only the past couple of weeks that she was happy with him because she is on solids during the day with an occasional feed. We had a sitter on Saturday night as we had a friend's 30th and she wasn't able to get DD2 to feed so I was up at midnight, 4.30am and 7.30am with her.

Take your time and let DH watch her for longer periods of time first and if your mum wants a girls breakfast take DS, he still needs his mum!

[sterla]

Thanks for your replies . I'm glad I'm not the only 'weird' one out there who hasn't left their LO yet. That in itself helps a lot .
Big to you Heaven - I would be freaking out too!

I don't understand everyone's insistence that I should be leaving DS with other people - like I'm strange to want to look after my own baby! DH and I do get couple-only time every evening, as DS is in bed by 7.30pm, so we get a few hours to ourselves - not quite the same as going out, so that will be nice one day - just not yet.
I think I'll just have to tell my mum (and others) that I'm not ready yet - but I will add that she'll be the first person I call when I finally am ready (thanks for that suggestion ).

Thanks again for your replies - I don't feel quite so silly for making a big(ish) deal out it.

[Rach75]

I had left Jack with Jase (DH) while I ducked to shops etc, the first time I left him with someone else he was 3 weeks shy of 2yrs and it was for 3 hrs for a wedding reception, the next time was when he was about 29 mths with a friend for 3hrs while I had my hair done, the next time was 12 days ago when he was with my mum for 6hrs while I had c-sect with Luke he also spent about 2hrs with my IL's while I was inhosp with Luke I dont plan on leaving him again for a while

though I have been informed by DH that in feb we are leaving both boys with a friend as he has a work dinner to celebrate 10 yrs of service and already I am in tears and upset about this, I beleive I woudl be fine to leave Jack but Luke wont be 4mths so I am fretting big time

dont feel pressured move at you own pace

[beckoes]

Firstly i think its totally normal for you to not want to leave DS. I am the same with DD. i feed to sleep and still BF and didnt leave her with anyone at 9 months!!
we dont have any Grandparents here so i dont feel that presure but lots of friends offer and i just say thanks il keep that in mind. but no way would i leave her with any of them! most dont have kids and ive seen them look after other kids and wouldnt feel happy leaving D with them!
One 'friend' was shocked when i told her i hadnt really spent more that half an hour away from DD, even when leaving her with DH. Saying ''oh you poor thing, dont you need your freedom. i could take her so you could get a break'' I didnt understand.....I feel so lucky and privilaged to be able to be with DD 24/7...i dont need 'freedom' from DD...and i do everything i want to do....with DD in tow. But we are all different!!
Now DD is 15 months old and DH takes her for a few hours on his mornings off...DD and I are both so happy to see each other when he brings her home, but they both always have a great time together. I left DD with a good friend who is a nanny and i really trust her...but i put her to bed first and was back before 11 when she sometimes wakes up again. if she had woken i was just round the corner...i still rang three times and held my phone the whole night just in case lol
Dont let anyone rush you in to leaving her! Even grand parents, as long as they are getting lots of time together thats the main thing.

[~Raven~]

Try to take it as a compliment. From someone who has BTDT I can tell you it's more annoying and quite a bit hurtful when nobody asks to look after your baby.

I was hounded with my first and second with Grandparents offering but it doesn't happen with my younger two and TBH it would be nice if I was asked. I always feel like I'm being a PIA if I do the asking.

I totally get that you're not ready to leave your baby and don't like feeling pressured into it though

[tenar]

It's important to feel comfortable when leaving your baby with someone.

I have left DD with DH for a couple of hours at a time on several occasions (plus lots of times when he took her so I could get some sleep during the day). I've left her with my mum for an hour or two, and once left my mum and stepdad come to our place to babysit DD who was sleeping the whole time, when DH and I went out for dinner together.

I do find it hard to leave her. If I'm awake I'm constantly thinking about her and wondering how she is. I find it helpful to know I can phone at any time to check and mum or DH will tell me honestly. I haven't gone more than about 20 minutes travel away from DD at any time, yet.

But I also think it is healthy for me to be able to leave her with loved, loving family member. I am all for the "children raised by a village" idea. It's good for my mum and certainly good for DH to know that, in a pinch, they can look after the baby and it'll be just fine for everyone.

When you decide you want to be able to leave your baby with someone you trust completely, whenever that is, you can work up to it very slowly. That's what I've done. Leave them in the room together for a few minutes and you be elsewhere in the house. Gradually, as you feel comfy, extend the time you can be in a different room getting something done (this is really useful, among other things - I've had mum come over to play with the baby while I get housework done and it's so much easier than trying to cram it in while DD is asleep for all of 25 minutes at a time). Then see if the trusted person can take the baby for a 5 or 10 minute walk in the pram without you, and see how that goes (I've also had Mum take DD for a walk in our local neighbourhood - she gets to show off her granddaughter and I get some peaceful time at home, just for a little while - it's wonderful, even though I do miss DD too). Eventually you can work up to leaving them for longer times, up to an hour, and you can whizz out for a coffee with a friend or whatever, if you want to. It will be possible in time to go out for the evening to a celebration or to catch a film, and you and baby will both be comfortable and relaxed about it.

There is no reason at all to do things suddenly or to do anything you are not yet comfortable with, but it will all happen in time, I'm sure.

[maz]

Totally get what your saying.

With my first I was extremly proud and never comfortable with anyone wanting to take him 'away' from me. Although in saying that I didnt have anyone offer to look after him for me so the choice was taken away. I was extremely stressed when pg with son number 2 and stress took its toll.

It saddens me to think that my children have missed out on the early bonding with their grandparents and extrended family as I grew up with neither. I have tried my darnest to do the best I can and it just stressed me no end.

Honestly, be thankfull that your mother is taking so much interest in you DS and your welfare. Although you say that you dont need the 'break' away from DS, a slight 'break' even for an hour is heaven sent and doesnt mean you'll be bad mother for admitting that it was nice and well deserved.

Motherhood is a wonderful journey shared hon. Quiet obviously your doing a wonderful job cause others can see what a fabulous little person you have created and want a little piece of him. well done

[Artechim]

When my DS was 8 months old we were in the same position - fed to sleep and had never been left with anyone other than short stints with DH. As he got older the length of time I could leave him with DH has increased and now I can leave them together all day. He is now 26 months old and yesterday I let him go to the neighbours when they were walking past and I followed 10 minutes later after I fed the baby. That is the first time that he has been in the care of anyone other than myself or DH.

So I don't think it is odd that you don't want to be parted from your baby.

As Raven said, take it as a compliment that your family wants to babysit. No one in my family has ever offered to look after DS, even when they knew that DH would have to miss the birth of our second child because we had no one to look after DS.