WARNING: There is mention of pregnancy termination below.
Its about time that I added to this post as I have meant to for so long. I guess my journey to motherhood was not as long as some, but am hoping that the happy ending will bring some hope to those in similar situations as me.
When I was 32 I became pregnant naturally to a man who did not want to know about the baby. He convinced me to terminate the pregnancy, and I will forever regret that I was so weak as to give in. He persuaded me that the timing was all wrong, and that we would have children together soon just not now.
I felt that I could not bring up the baby alone, and he made it clear that he would leave. I am a strong woman, but was in the thrall of this man, and my biggest regret was that I did not take the TIME to process the decision. I had it in my head that if I was to go down this path it had to be soon. I was 5 weeks pregnant with my baby when I let (him) down due to weakness and panic. I have never forgiven myself for this, and it will always be the biggest regret of my life.
The ex and I moved in, but of course I was consumed by anger (at myself more than at him), and became clinically depressed. I left him about 8 months later.
At 35 I had a myomectomy for an enormous fibroid, which left me with a scar stretching the whole length of my womb top to bottom. The surgeon advised me that I should have a caesarian if I ever became pregnant due t the nature and length of the scar.
When I was 36 years old I met a man who is good from the inside to the out. I knew that he would be a wonderful father. It took me two years to persuade him that we should try for a baby. My gynecologist (also a F/S) gave me a big talk about fertility, and even had my (reluctant) OH in for a good talking too as well. He relented and agreed that we would try and we started TTC when I was 38.
After 6 months we saw my FS again and we started with timed intercourse (I was working shifts). For some reason my FSH had not been measured in the first 2 cycles of TI, but on the third cycle it was, and I received a very stiffly worded letter from my FS basically telling me that I was perimenopausal, and that my changes of pregnancy were poor. She advised that we should start IVF if we were to have ANY chance of pregnancy.
Of course, I believed that this was my punishment for the termination.
My OH needed a lot of counselling prior to agreeing to undergo IVF. Nonetheless we embarked on our first cycle of IVF in May 2007. I never recorded the details, but some remain clear. There were 4 follicles, and 4 eggs. All 4 eggs fertilised, and two were transferred at day 3 with two being frozen. My bloods recorded HCG but poor levels. They call it a 'chemical pregnancy', but we all know that this is a miscarriage, and that we are losing a baby that tried to be.
I believed even more strongly that I was being punished.
We had to take a cycle off, and we asked the F/S to do another fresh collection, fearing that my fertility was declining by the second (although interestingly the FSH in the first and second cycles were in the normal range).
For our second cycle we had 7 follicles and 4 eggs. All 4 eggs fertilised, but one stopped developing. Two were transferred at day 3 and one frozen. We found out recently that the two transferred underwent assisted hatching also.
We were thrilled when we registered a BFP! I was 39yo. At 37 weeks and 2 days our
DS was born by elective caesarian. He is the light of our lives.
I have also finally found some peace with my decision made so many years ago. If I had been a single mother then I would never have been where I was when I met my OH, and I would never have my beautiful son. My mother believes that our children wait for us, and come to us when they are ready. I hope so very much that this is true.
I am now 41 and we are currently in our first frozen cycle and are full of hope that we may be lucky enough to have another beautiful baby in our arms soon. We know that with only three embryos the odds are against us, and I am having acupuncture this time around.
I believe that if my son is meant to have a sibling this will be, whether following frozen transfer, or if we elect to try a fresh cycle again. If he is not, then he continues to bring joy to me every day. Even when I am cranky with him!
Thanks for reading
