*Pregnancy Warning*
I, too, feel at a loss as to what to say to my LTTC best friend (I'll call her BF to keep it shorter) and I feel like it's tearing our friendship apart.
Our partners are brothers - but we were BFs before that, ever since I moved to Australia - and when she kept falling pregnant and then miscarrying before 8 weeks, I was the one who went to every appt, every hospital visit, etc... taking off work to do so although her DP didn't feel it was serious enough to do the same. Each time I cried with her, held her hand, wrapped us both in flannel pj's and basically moved into her house, brushing both my career and own responsibilities aside.
I fell pregnant somewhat accidentally just over 3 months ago - we weren't trying but we weren't not trying if that makes sense. I was about to turn 34 and just assumed that my first child would take much longer to conceive. DP and I were quiet about it as he comes from a large Italian family on one side and we didn't want 19 people calling and dropping in every day to see what was going on. Plus I had seen how they all jumped on my BF during each of her pregnancies: it was full-on with a house full of people, champagne, gifts, etc when she was only 5 weeks pregnant at the most.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I actually took 3 tests on Valentine's Day while her and her DP were at my house as I was convinced I was just late. They came back BFP and BF seemed absolutely joyful. I, however, had seen her agony just recently and just wouldn't believe they were correct until confirmed by Dr. She was ecstatic though at the thought of being an Auntie.
That's changed now though although she refuses to admit it and I don't know what to do. I had read in a book about how the UTD friend/family member should immediately have a chat to the LTTC'er to explain that out of respect for her I would only speak about when asked, would be respectful, etc. I did that at 6 weeks and she kept on insisting she was fine, wanted to be there for the birth, and she thought that maybe only when I was starting to show it would be a problem but she promised to be open with her feelings and let me know. Sounded lovely but better in theory than in practice.
I've had to endure her DP yelling at me at a gathering of our friends about how we're "stupid" for not buying a house yet if we're having a baby, despite the fact that I already own 3 back home in North America and don't feel the need to buy one here yet as I love our rental house and it's much nicer/bigger/in a better location than anything we could comfortably afford to buy. Oh - and he owns one only because his grandparents gave it to him and are allowing him to pay off the house price interest-free, he's way behind in the payments, and the house is maybe 25% in a liveable condition for a baby. Our friends chalked it up to him being drunk and struggling with the fact that we're having a baby, but his ranting about things has continued on and on at other times to the point where I now completely avoid him altogether. Sad as he was one of my best male friends and I miss him.
My BF and her DF smoke marijuana every day and despite what others may believe about it not being addictive, I can safely vouch after watching them that it must be. They also considered their deep fryer their best friend in the kitchen. No veggies or fruit in that house: BF considers chips and gravy a complete meal. No oral hygiene for either of them either. (God, I'm starting to wonder how in the hell we ended up close in the first place). The miscarriage clinic tested them both after her 3rd one and couldn't come up with any thing that could be preventing them from conceiving but advised BF to stop smoking weed and cigarettes, eat healthy - or even just attempt to introduce these foods to her 'diet', and go see a bloody dentist for the first time in 25 years. Has she? No.
It's gotten to the point where when she calls me - as she just did for the 2nd time today immediately before I came in here to write this - that she doesn't even ask me how I'm doing. Not even baby-wise, just in general. I say "hello" and I may as well put the phone down and walk away. She wouldn't notice.
The final straw is that I had my NT scan last Wednesday and she asked me to let her know how it went when I got out. So I waited an hour and then sent a msg to her and my other friends with a generic update, sending a more detailed one to the others later throughout the day. She called me on her break, tried to start an argument with me about the number of scans and at how many weeks
pg women have when I let her know that my next one was scheduled for 20wks. "Why do you need one then? No one needs one then. You don't have your next one until 24wks. You're just going overboard". I told her gently that after the spotting I had 2wks ago, I just wanted to have a happy day enjoying the fact that my Sprout was ok. She then began to rant about issues her and DF are having with DF's father about their upcoming wedding, trying to get me to take sides and get involved, etc until I excused myself off of the phone and cried my eyes out. So much for my happy day.
I'm sooooo frustrated - to the point where I'm starting to stop sympathising with her plight and I hate myself for it. Part of me just wants to scream my lungs out at her: about her and DF's hypocrisy and maybe if they stopped smoking so much dope they'd have a better chance at getting pregnant (not sure if that's true or not but it sure can't be helping the cause). She lives less than a 5min walk away and we've gone from seeing each other at least once a day to not seeing each for at least a week at a time. She hasn't seen my scan DVD or my little popped belly - I can understand why she may not want to but part of me still gets a bit angry about it; she doesn't ask me how I'm doing, even generally; and I'm not sure if she has always been like this and I just failed to see it or if I'm being over-sensitive while hopped up on
pg hormones.
I honestly don't know what to do and I'm such a stubborn girl myself at times that I'm afraid it's going to get to the point where I just remove myself away from her completely.
Sorry I'm rambling and this has turned into such a rant. I'm just stuck and heartbroken and part of me is just really so angry. I feel closer to people on BB than I do to my own BF anymore. I'm even relating more to the LTTC'ers on here as I know they're genuinely taking steps to improve their chances whilst BF and DF just whine and complain but continue to live in a very unhealthy way.
DP tries to be supportive to me but his response is always just to avoid confrontation and ignore them which is sometimes easier said than done. The sad thing is that I've always been adamant about removing toxic people from my life and it's reaching the point where I'm worried she's one of them.
Have I just been blind this whole friendship or can I just chalk this up to her LTTC frustration? Is she even considered LTTC when she's basically unwilling to do anything to help her chances?
Sorry for my incoherent rambling. I'm just trying to type through tears and really need some guidance as to what to do.
Shari xo