*kids and
pg mentioned*
Tegam - from the "other side of the fence" - it's probably not you at all - it sounds like you've tried hard to do the right thing by your family/friends, and mostly it's about their inability to face their own issues when around you. there is no intention to punish you or your family, it's mostly about protecting themselves by withdrawing from situations they find painful
all i can suggest is to broach the subject one on one with them if you can. at a time when you don't have your kids around, i would suggest you ask sis or SIL (or your friends) what you can do to support them. let them know that you don't know what they're feeling (because you dont - so honesty is the best policy) but you want to do everything you can to be there for them - you're just not sure exactly what that is! each person who is ltttc has different needs - some need to be treated like nothing is wrong - some need to be handled with kid gloves. the main thing though is to respect them and understand that, while they are still struggling, there will be days when mention of your kids (or any kids) will be like a knife in the heart. other days, they'll want to do nothing but wrap themselves in your kids and their enthusiasm for life.
fwiw - for me personally, when i was cycling, all i wanted was to be around my brothers kids, to wrap myself in their happiness and to dream that this cycle was "the one". i would drop in at their house every second day, get cuddles from my niece (she was only 2 when we started AC), have a cuppa with SIL, and just feel "normal". when i wasn't cycling though, it was much harder - the hope wasn't there, and being around those same kids was painful. or if the kids had friends over, i couldn't be there - it was too hard. for each of our BFP's, i would go and surround myself with them, but each loss made me withdraw and i'd go weeks without seeing them cos it hurt to much. when i fell
pg with the Gremlin, i really struggled to accept it was happening - i just felt like maybe it would be over again soon - but after the first scan, we told bro's kids - they're now 8, 7 and 4 - and they have been the influence to keep me sane - their excitement has reminded me to be excited rather than scared etc. but i STILL only see them on my terms. if they have friends visiting i struggle to be there. i think the LT mindset will never go away.
i guess what i'm saying is that,no matter how much you want to be there for your family and friends at the time, it's harder for them to want you there as your success with having kids (which is fantastic) can make them feel like more of a failure. given you've mentioned your sis and SIL, i will just mention that sometimes it's important to be there for the male partner as well. my bro has been
DH's rock through all of this - i don't know how we would have gotten through if
DH couldn't unload his woe's on my bro - bro would come to me when i was visiting (
DH works away so i was there a lot on my own) and ask me to explain to him where we were at, what was going on, so that, when
DH WAS there, he understood without
DH having to go into detail.
now, from YOUR side of the fence - which is where i'm currently at. i have a lot of long termer friends. yes, my understanding of their journey is strong from a BTDT perspective, but i am still the one who got her dream while so many of my friends still struggle. i have said outright to these friends that my support for them hasn't changed - but that i would step away when they needed me to. i don't mention the Gremlin unless they do. i don't update them on progress unless they tell me to. i have asked them in no uncertain terms what THEY want to know and when they want to know it. i tend to send sms updates after appointments to a large group of friends - but i know at least one person struggles to get those updates during work hours (which i used to) so i don't message her until later. we recently spoke at length about what she wanted to do when the Gremlin arrives and she has asked me to message her as she will only check her phone during breaks in case she struggles with the news. for me, as a long termer - it was that kind of consideration that helped me to cope when i was having a hard time - so i offer the same to my friends. i also don't post on BB or FB (as many of my long termer friends are on BB) until i've had a chance to tell them all personally so that they aren't faced with news like that in an impersonal way
hope that helps a bit
BG